Thinking you would have better discernment in dating for the first time/ how to have self esteem after a bad first

So I’ve talked about this before and it hurt me so much that it’s been hard to come to terms with but I’m going to be in therapy and it’s something I wanna bring up. I was homeschooled plus my family moved me here as a pre teen I’m not from the us originally so I grew up a bit sheltered and with different cultural norms.

When I began dating this guy I didn’t even wanna date and I never did before, i also listened to a lot of dating content for fun and I thought well I like these topics and I’ll have discernment if I ever do date.

Boy was I wrong. And I’m so ashamed. I saw him once a week for the first 2 months. My only real complaint is that we didn’t see each other a lot or text a lot. But I thought slow is better than love bombing?

Around 2 months in I asked where tgis is going. I said I don’t have sex if I’m not in a relationship though he didn’t ask. I felt like we never talked about serious topics and at times hed disappear then reappear saying he was sick or something. We texted at least once a day.

When we went official he asked me to come back to his. We’d still meet snd do stuff out but he would cut the dates short saying he’s tired or his time is valuable and he has to go to the gym. I liked him, was naive, so I thought he meant it.

When I realized something felt off I brought it up. He always left like that. He eventually said he’s friends with an ex I can’t take that from him. And he lives with his friend who moved here recently, who’s a woman. I felt off. When we saw each other he said he was only seeing me but other stories he said he had a date almost every night like before me?

I haven’t been seeing him a lot because he’s had weddings to go to. But he’s increased some time out with me while still asking when we’ll have sex.said it’s childish we haven’t. Said we can go to his but don’t hahe to? Yet each time he asked why we haven’t and physically got on me and I went with it because I liked him.

I haven’t met her. I only met other friends. Said he won’t tell his family about me because he is private. I feel like if I ask: he’ll talk about the relationship where it’s going or what we want from this. But he himself doesn’t bring it up.

He’s said: you ask this a lot. I do want a future with you. But in everyday life or conversation he doesn’t really tie me into his future. He talks about: what if he bought a car like this and lived here. What if he married this type of woman? Which like come on.

Yet my dumb self stayed. I liked him. I had few friends. No family near me. And I felt like I finally had someone. Even though he gave me work out regimens and made me feel bad. I just wanted him to say: I don’t want serious.

His actions show me that of someone who wants casual. The only thing is I didn’t have sex with him. I can’t stand how I let myself become this way when I was so anti relationship. Yet I keep repeating patterns of liking men who act tgis way.

I didn’t even do anything with him but I feel used. Maybe it’s the way he physically got on me at his place or how he talks to me. How he leaves plans in a rush. I feel like an idiot yet I want him to say it so I can just have the peace of mind. How do you move on if this is your first experience?

I don’t even wanna date ever again