Unmasking and terrified:

I've been working on being authentic this last year or so. I pride myself on being trustworthy and honest. I'm very active, I work, have many different social interactions throughout my day, and I volunteer constantly. I'm committed to building a world I want to live in. I tell my kids that if our country has a department of war, I want to help build a department of decency and compassion. How can I fulfill my mission if I’m not actually trying?

That said, my social anxiety has been overwhelming me lately. I'm trying to build new friendships, and I think I might be talking about myself more than what’s acceptable. I’ve really been trying to be mindful of this. I do ask a lot of questions and I do truly care about what’s being shared.

Tonight I attended a group for parents of children on the spectrum who have anxiety (I'm a mom). I had stayed silent for the last few weeks of our Tuesday meetings. This evening I spoke up. Some parents were talking about wanting their children to be concerned with pleasing them, and about using religion to control their children. I was beyond direct, I shared that I'm very non religious and only operate on logic based principles. I also overshared about information I've gathered from participating in multiple university studies and programs around my country that focus on supporting and building skills for people on the autism spectrum.

The facilitator made a statement that confused me. I have major anxiety about this event. Did I offend anyone? I sure didn't mean to. Did I alienate myself? Was I not supposed to mention that I've been through multiple trainings and studies about people and children with autism? Was I a know it all type of person ( I mentioned that I’m not perfect and that I’m just trying to see what might be of benefit). I'm only trying to gather as much data and tools as possible to see what could apply to me and my family.

One facilitator came up and thanked me for sharing. Another parent shared that it was very enlightening and that they were hoping to ask my advice about somethings.

Still, there are times I no longer want to be social because of the dread of making a horrible mistake and offending others. The thing is, I can’t just back out of this because it’s for my child. The most important part of my life. I’ll keep struggling and keep working on trying to make myself and our world a better place for people who are on the spectrum and everyone else too, no matter how much I embarrass myself.

I feel really stressed about next time.