Hi. I think INxP fits me as a type, Ne-Si as an axis overall, but I can't really tell if my Ti and Fi are high. Does what I wrote make sense in terms of functions? Does it point to low Fi or not? This function is where I have the most problems.

I learned politeness. When it goes beyond what's recognized, beyond what I know, I get lost in situations. Maybe I'm even too polite sometimes. But usually around people I'm like an alien who doesn't get what's more correct, feeling awkward. I think it was harder as a kid bc I was more uncomfortable and maybe a bit rude, hurt others, accidentally or on purpose. Due to some envy and toxicity I could, tho I tried to show less resentment and stuff, but overall I was quiet. It feels like I'm at zero in understanding myself. And whatever people tell me, I make it a part of myself so I don't feel the emptiness. I look outside for something to latch onto, to believe in, I guess. I think it's like "You're smart". Noted, I'll write that down. And if someone says the opposite, I'll break one of their limbs. That's why I take tests on character accentuations, on disorders, so there's at least something in me. I even think some of my not-so-healthy traits make me me, so I'm scared of being without them and healing. And when I find an understanding of something in myself, some behavioral pattern that works in me, I'm happy bc it's at least something.

The concept of "what you like" ,preferences, always seemed curious but weird to me. Even as a kid I didn't see it, couldn't honestly answer the question about any season, color, name, day of the week. Too much depends on context, and plus I just don't feel it. When someone pointed out I had no favorite color, I realized it. Yeah, there wasn't one. First I called the one that caught my attention that day my favorite, then I came to the one I consider so now, but I don't remember how it happened. Saw it, accepted the thought and got used to it?

I don't understand getting close to people, it just kinda happens on its own, I follow the person who shows the level of our relationship. I don't want to be betrayed by someone, to represent something that doesn't exist. Being betrayed by someone is a disgusting feeling. But I believe and want the phrase "close person" to work as full acceptance, loyalty, and a platonic bond. If you're close, you'll go through hell for each other, give up a lot, and risk your life. My trauma, where I wasn't safe since childhood without close sincere contact with others, with rejection from everywhere, makes itself known. And with those I'm already in some kind of relationship with, I stay for quite a while, tho I don't make the first steps toward reconciliation, except with my closest friend and not always then.

I can't easily say if I like a person or not. I won't like them if they do something that negatively affects me. Before that moment they just exist. Rejection can arise on its own, as I wrote above. Rarely, but it can. Just because. Maybe it's a reaction to those I consider arrogant, draining, demanding, hypocritical. But despite that, such people can sometimes even attract me. It all depends on the specific person and their actions, again, toward me. Overall, if you treat me well, be the Antichrist for all I care, it's fine, everything's okay. The main thing is that you get along with me and don't harm me. Plus my assessments can change, and those who once caused rejection might later seem even interesting to me, depending on further circumstances, if they showed themselves from another side. So I'm not 100% sure my own assessments won't change, I don't even fully believe I control it inside. If I suddenly feel sympathy for someone or we get closer somehow, which is a rare phenomenon in itself, I wait and hope the person shows more initiative in contact and stays by my side.

Sometimes I protest and act stubborn, tho I don't fully realize why. I just don't want to, and that's it, like with the upcoming internship I'll have to do in a couple of months. I can be a young rebel inside, acting passive-aggressively outside, clearly not trying at something I just don't like. And I sincerely don't understand inside why I'm doing it, I'd have to analyze the reasons specifically alone, put in effort, not being sure afterward if I understood myself correctly.

Also I have no concept of mood. Until something happens, I just have some standard state that I don't monitor. If you ask at a random time what my mood is, I probably won't answer honestly and with understanding. I don't analyze it 24/7, I just exist. Probably my thoughts go more in a different direction, away from myself, than toward my own state. If something happens, then inside it's like it gets cramped for my bones and organs bc I'll feel something. Emotions and feelings will spill through my whole body, can become much less controllable, tho I really want to control them. I'll really want to get rid of this state, but it often stays inside for a while, which I don't particularly like.

At the same time I've noticed a lot depends on context. I can react differently to the same action depending on circumstances. I never say anything with 100% certainty bc there's always the possibility of everything. It annoys me when people don't see individuality in another person, unique circumstances. I consider equality destructive, it erases differences and unique circumstances. And justice makes sense and considers more than superficial honesty. I always answer "depends on the situation". I need context: reasons, circumstances, motives. If I see meaning in it, I accept and don't judge. That's why I'm skeptical of laws and legal systems. They're too rigid and don't consider the uniqueness of each case. Yeah, a court can consider something like emotional state, but overall the system is too inflexible. If I made laws, every rule would have millions of subsections considering circumstances.

p.s link to the picture in this post: https://pin.it/5d6psWQd0

I just dyed my hair red so decided to use it lol

Can't tell if my Ti or Fi is high. INxP struggles with self-understanding