I built a life I’m proud of after a really difficult childhood, so why do I still feel like I’m waiting for my life to begin?

I am a 27-year-old Black woman. I had a very rough childhood. I grew up in a hoarder, heavily roach-infested apartment in the projects with my neglectful, emotionally absent mother, my three younger brothers, my older sister, our dog, and my abusive stepdad. Growing up was extremely challenging. I always felt invisible and like a burden. Growing up at my mom’s house was a horrifying experienceI’d use the words disgusting, deprived, loud and miserable to describe what it was like growing up. I don’t remember much of it, but I know that I had to shut a lot out to get through it.

I left home at 18 for college and haven’t lived there since, outside of brief periods during the summers between my years in undergrad.

I currently live in NYC with one roommate in a big, affordable apartment that I love and have for the past 5 years. I don’t feel well-off by any means, but I make enough money to get by. I have a few close, loving friends. I go dancing almost every weekend, I have hobbies, I love my job, and I love and am so grateful for my mind and heart. I think that I am genuinely an amazing person.

I’ve also been through so much nonstop shit over the past four years. I’ve lost a lot of friends. My older sister died three years ago, and my childhood dog died two years ago on my sister’s birthday, weirdly enough. My ex-boyfriend cheated on me six months ago. My childhood best friend stole money from me, betrayed me, and ghosted me about a year ago. My brother stole money from me and stopped speaking to me a year ago. I have so much trauma that I am constantly in therapy working through, so much to process, so much to unpack.

So much has happened, and I’m constantly dealing with so much and yet I am still so grateful for my life. And yet, I have this constant feeling that I am waiting for something. Like I am waiting for my life to begin, and I don’t know what it is.

I am so confused. I feel this ache and confusion constantly inside of me, like I’m supposed to feel something. When I was with my ex, that feeling would subside at times because he became the center of my world, but even then, I still walked around with this sense of confusion and waiting.

Especially since I broke up with him, the feeling that never really went away has gotten even louder. I feel this urge to jump into another relationship to distract myself from it, but I’m realizing that I don’t actually want to distract myself anymore. I want to answer it.
I don’t know what it is or what this feeling is asking of me. What am I waiting for? Why can’t I fully enjoy my life? Why can’t I live in the moment? I don’t even know exactly what I’m feeling. I’m wondering if anyone can relate to this or help me understand what this feeling might mean.