Struggling Greatly with Lack of Social Connection in Life and Dating Apps – Advice?

For anyone asking me what I hope to get form this post, it is: 1) Some new perspective on what's happening that could help me feel a bit better 2) Some piece of sensitive and thought-out advice that could improve my situation 3) A compassionate response about how others relate to my situation.

I don't mind bluntness but I do ask that you be compassionate to what I'm facing here as it's something I've struggled a lot with and I'm doing my absolute best to work on. Maybe that's too much to ask from online strangers, but there it is.

The fact that I'm posting this on Reddit speaks a bit to my desperation here. I'm in therapy and I meditate regularly. I have a fulfilling job in which I help other people but it doesn't offer any potential for social contact in my private life. I'm highly educated and highly intelligent, I have good hygiene, I dress well, and I believe myself to be a sensitive and compassionate person with a good degree of insight. I know most people rate themselves this way, but I'd put myself at 7/10 looks-wise. I'm a 40 year-old heterosexual male who has been single for the vast majority of my adult life, and the struggle to find social connection is a severe and growing problem for me. Throughout my life I have gradually lost friends through social entropy, them moving away, or one fallout or another, and due to a history of suicide, addiction, and mental illness in my family, it's gotten to the point that I have found it best to not be in contact with the majority of my relatives. So this leaves me with almost no social support currently. I'm pretty introverted, and while I don't think I have the best social skills in the world I certainly don't have the worst either. I can make small talk, and I can be confident and even charming on dates. In the past I have had both casual and more committed relationships with women I find highly attractive, both physically and personality-wise. I go on more dates than anyone else I've met, and for the past few years it has been such an unremitting source of disappointment and rejection for me that it's really taking a toll on my mental health. Sometimes it feels as if I'm completely ignored, but other times I am able to get dates fairly regularly – at least first dates. There are weeks I can get 2-3 dates with 2-3 different women, and in most cases I want to see them again, but in almost all cases they do not want to see me again. I had two dates last week that I thought went well, ended with kissing, and in both cases they texted me back saying they weren't interested as they didn't feel a “spark.” I was very interested in one of them, and I respectfully asked for feedback about this, but for the most part it seemed as if she just didn't find me attractive in that way, despite her agreeing to see me twice, seeming to show interest and engagement in our conversation throughout the night, and kissing me (I asked her for consent to do so at an appropriate time). This has by and large been the pattern for my dating experiences for the last two decades or so, with rare exceptions. Due to the degree of social isolation I face, these rejections can feel really destabilizing despite my attempts to contextualize and process them. To some degree, I understand that society or culture or dating expectations are just toxic, but me knowing this doesn't actually help my situation. I do my best to actively work on self-love and being satisfied with what I have in life, but I do think social connection and some sense of belonging/affection is a human need, and when it feels like no one wants me it can produce a kind of despair and panic. It's like I'm wandering a desert and doing my best to not be so attached to this idea of “thirst,” but ultimately my body needs water, and the longer I go without it the most focused on it I become.

I have a few hobbies I cultivate, but I'm not inclined to group hobbies at all. I don't like group sports or being in large groups of people in general. I've tried volunteering, pottery classes, spiritual gatherings, and even a “Skip the Small Talk” event in hopes of making friends or more. Nothing has come of them so far, and in some cases it felt like I was over-investing in what were social dead-ends and needed to move on.

I'm open to friends, but I'm most interested in either short- or long-term romantic connections right now, and it feels like this should be easier with the apps, but maybe that's just a delusion. I sometimes speak to other people who seem to get a new dating partner a week or two after going on the apps, which furthers my frustration and confusion that dating just doesn't seem to work for me.

I truly don't get it. I like and even love who I am – I think I have many good qualities that would make a good friend or boyfriend, but it feels like the entire world is consistently telling me that I'm unattractive and un-likeable. I work up the courage and energy to put myself out there again and again only to be repeatedly rejected for reasons I can't fully understand. I'm not expecting every woman I am attracted to to reciprocate it – I can certainly cope with the reality that not everyone is going to be into me, but I don't know if I can cope with the seeming reality that NO ONE is interested in me.

I'm not a danger to myself currently, and I have never attempted suicide, but I worry that long-term if I can't find anyone else to have some sort of connection with (friends, community, partner, etc.) that it will drive me insane. I get the impression a lot of other men have similar experiences, but on the other hand I think there are also a lot of men who don't have these problems. I'm doing my best to sit with what comes up and grow from the suffering I experience, but I also feel like there should be something I can do to influence these outcomes to where I can find a connection with women out there.

Has anyone gone through this and come out the other side? Is anyone going through this right now who can offer some insight? Compassionate and thoughtful feedback is welcome.