I’m in a sticky and supremely uncomfortable situation with my close friend who also happens to be kinda my boss. The short version is that I said no to them for the first time in almost 4 years and they blew up at me. I was willing to move past their emotional outburst because we are both only human and looking at the situation after the fact I feel like I could have kept a more neutral attitude than I did in the moment. We were talking about a large several-months-long project and after some back and forth they snatched up their car keys and stormed out of the room. 

Two days later I texted that I was sorry for contributing negativity to our conversation (but not walking back the content of the convo) thinking it would open up a door for us to get back on the same page emotionally. WELL instead of that happening this “friend” replied via text that they were going to be moving forward with \[large project\] alone despite my significant literal (monetary, time, labor) and emotional investment in the project. I felt like I got punched in the gut and all of the wind knocked out of me. I pretty much sat still at the workplace the whole rest of the day just feeling deeply hurt and a strong sense of disbelief. In the moment it felt like I was being punished. 

The kicker? I do not get paid by this job. This summer I basically worked the equivalent of a full-time job for two whole months for zero money because I was really enthusiastic and excited about what we were doing. I’m in a unique position where I don’t need to work for a living and I found a lot of personal satisfaction and fulfillment at this job. The lack of money was a non-factor. A handful of people in my life were open that they thought I was being taken advantage of during the last year but I never felt that way until this happened. 

Thankfully I’ve been very well supported by my spouse, friends, and family as I try to process what feels like the loss of both a friendship and a calling. The part that continues to have me totally fucked up emotionally though is that my boss/unrealized former friend is the single most avoidant person I have ever dealt with. They are acting like nothing has changed between us personally or professionally and not only do I not know how to deal with that but it’s causing way more pain than if I could just cut ties and move on immediately. I feel an obligation to the workplace where I’ve helped build a community that I care for very deeply. I’ve continued to fulfill my original one day a week commitment but completely pulled back the above-and-beyond effort I was contributing previously to make \[large project\] a success. I thought after what happened and their want to move forward alone it would be a given that I’m heading out the door but they keep using “we” talking about future plans. So apparently I need to be direct and explicit about how I need to leave and move on for my own well-being even though I still feel emotionally attached to my work. I’m dreading that conversation but I know I have to look out for me. It just fucking sucks. I’m not afraid of drawing a boundary to protect myself but it’s never hurt like this before. 

Here’s my cheese and cracker plate because I’m a grazer and my boo boo feelings have left me with very little appetite. Brie, garlic & herb goat cheese, Havarti, assorted crackers, and half a blueberry muffin. 

Processing the loss of a close friendship and a calling.