I wanna die and be reborn as a pretty person

being ugly and shy around people has made me try to live a completely different and unreal life inside my head for years (basically malapdative daydream) and its so tiresome because all i ever wanted was to be able to hold connections with other people, i tried to gaslight myself for a long time saying that i didnt need to make friends because they wouldnt understand my hobbies and my interests but who am i fooling, there are plenty of people who like the things that i like and talk normally about it, theres just one difference: im so so ugly that even trying to small talk with anyone feels like a humiliation ritual, and i can see the difference in wich im treated in comparison with other people, i was never approched by anyone not even to be friends with and im scared that this is going to be like this forever, so lonely.

And dont even get me started on romance, it feels even more humiliating to want even the slight sign of affection when i have this face and this body, sucks even more because when you are and ugly girl your value is below 0, there is no hope and anyone that for an accident feels that you are into them (even if youre not) will look at you with disgust, i feel like even if someone likes me at some point i wont be able to stop thinking about how people are seeing this someone liking such creature and saying "wow, your taste is really bad huh" or worse things.

To be honest i cant stop thinking about killng myself just so i can be reborn as someone pretty (im not even religious) or so i can end it all, i feel this sadness of geting old and even more unlovable so deep its destroying my head and the few relationships that i still have.

Every day when i leave home to go to work, besides feeling nauseous about my own apperance in public and how bad i look, im also always thinking about dying in multiple ways by the things i see in the streets, ive always struggled with suicidal throughts but its been so bad lately and i feel so stupid because i shouldnt be this deep into ending my life due to my apperance, many people say that you should just accept yourself and focuse on other things and i try so hard but everything around me keeps showing things that i couldve had if i were different, i just wanna restart in another life.