30 Day check-in

Here I am 30 days in. I am what many around nofap would consider an old fart, though when you get here, you realize mid-40's really isn't so old. I have been through many cycles of binging on porn over the decades, and also various ways of acting out in real life. At one point, ending about 4 years ago, I was porn free for 5 years! But definately not masturbation free. In recent years, I've indulged much, suffered much, and hated myself much. Then I found nofap and yourbrainonporn.com.

• Stopping pmo itself was fairly easy to do. Having the nofap community as a touchstone has been very helpful. To read and be in touch with so many others actually doing this thing is a source of strength and inspiration.

• Stopping my thoughts has been very hard. I think the pmo was a way of numbing my SOCD thought processes. During the second and third weeks I was overwhelmed by the sexualizing and objectifing nature of my thoughts. Could hardly be around or talk to women without having this secondary perverted line of thinking and fantasy going on. Without pmo, I was left to wrestle with it. I was ashamed and angry and depressed about it.

• Information ftw! I read quite a bit of info on sexual fantasy and how it undermines and kills your reboot. That source, along with the shares here and elsewhere in the nofap universe got me through

• Morning wood: ED wasn't an issue for me, so I thought. I was regularly familiar with morning wood, but the first couple weeks I was having some major old-growth-redwood morning wood which made me proud!

• Hardmode: By circumstance, I went about half-way through this in hardmode. When my partner and I finally hooked up, I swear I came a full pint. Have had a couple sessions since then, somewhat inspired by kareeza, though ending in orgasm. Good stuff.

• Anger: there were a couple days when I was wrestling with my thoughts that I was an irritable asshole. Got into a shouting match with my partner except I was the only one shouting. Not cool.

• Dead-dick: I guess about third week, I was flatlining. I had a wee, shriveled, useless pee-pee. I did stroke it a little bit while peeing just to see if it would get a little bloodflow, and it did, but it just wasn't interested. It was extremely frustrating, and probably fed my anger, that I was having these fantasy thoughts (in some cases, barely hiding my ogling of tits and ass), and my brain was forcing signals down my spine, but they'd get cut off and bunched up around my stomach/midsection. It was weird feeling no-feeling in my dick, though I was free and able to get it going and use it with my partner. I wondered if that is how normal productive people experience life?

• Excersise - No.

• Cold showers - Hell no. :-)

Been doing fairly well about the last week. Fantasizing is way down, and not so...well, pornographic. Part of me will want to go there, but another stronger part is starting to at least limit and tone that down.

I won't make any promises for the future, though I am cautiously optimistic that I'll go much further in this. This thing is sometimes easy and I think I'm cruising along, but I know how delicate and fleeting it can be. Right now I'm doing it and handling it, but I know how it can take hold. I can feel fairly solid, but a little chip starts and then all can be broken. I'm going to do the best I can.

Morning: Just for today, I will not fap. Bedtime: Thankful for another day of nofap.

Peace, all.