My wife [35f] abuses me [34m]. Professional helps is making it worse.

This is an update to my previous post: I can't break the abuse cycle, my wife delays professional help. Please, read it for the background.

The summary of that post is that I am in my wife's country, isolated from friends, and under constant abuse from my wife. I don’t speak the language, and I am afraid. I worry about my son too.

I read all the books mentioned in the comments there, thanks to everyone. I also followed suggestion to get professional help. The books were very enlightening and empowering, and helped me admit to myself how bad things are. I took some of the questionnaires in the books as well, and when I start doubting myself, I just look at them, and I remember this hell is real, I need to stop blaming myself, and take action. I have also been keeping an abuse journal, which has helped against my wife’s “gaslighting” tactics. I have just started individual therapy, it has taken a long time because I did not understand the medical system here, and my wife was confused about how it worked (^lied? ) about it to keep me from finding help.

We started going to couples therapy (I had to metaphorically drag her to it). We had to write short biographies about ourself, and I was very clear and explicit about the abuse and needing help. The therapist did not ask any further questions, nor we talked individually, nor gave me more resources for abused spouses. After many sessions, we never discussed the abuse. Instead, we focused on communication.

I was not safe in therapy to speak freely. My wife monopolized the therapy with minor topics, and subtle threats. She would also make threats and pressure me not to bring up issues in therapy. She would control the topics discussed, and if I deviated from them, later she would have a “crisis” to punish me for that. At home, she would blame me for her abuse using the communication language from the therapy. I realized that therapy started to become part of the abuse.

I brought up the issue of abuse several times directly in therapy. “I want to talk about the cycle of abuse.” I even said. She denied that any abuse had ever happened, and that it was just my own perceptions. The therapists then started telling me how my past influences my perceptions, and the whole conversation was derailed. We never discussed the cycle of abuse. My wife took this as evidence that she is not responsible for the abuse, the hurt is all because of my past history, she says now. She has also started to cite her own therapists to excuse her actions: since I am much stronger than her, I could not be abused by her.

I would like to add that in the past few months I have been more assertive about what is not ok, and things have been getting better. Less frequent abuse, and less pronounced. But every now and then, the abusive behavior happens again, and she refuses to admit it is abuse, and it is her responsibility. So I know that the main issue is still there: she doesn't take responsibility for it. Even if she is "trying", she hasn't even said what she is trying to do because she can't get to admit that she is abusing me.

I did not understand what therapy would look like, so I assumed it was normal, that I had to be patient. But then I found this list of 12 reasons why couples counseling is not recommended when domestic violence if present, and I was shocked how all those are happening to me right now. I also realized that we never had an abuse assessment in therapy. I finally wrote privately to the couples therapists saying how I was not safe to speak freely in session, and therapy was making the abuse worse. She replied saying that if I would not trust her in the session, then she could not help. I ended therapy this morning. I’m starting to think that another thing that makes problem worse is a gender-bias behind the professional help. (I do not want to turn this into a thread to complain about sexism. I beg you to not use this post to attack or defend sexist points of view: those issues do not help me at this point. Yes, there is lack of help for abused men, this is the reality, but I don't want to discuss why that is.) I just want concrete help.

I do not know where to turn now. I do not want to leave because I fear for my child in the future. I also I feel very ashamed for all this, and I don’t think anybody will believe me. If this is not the right subreddit, let me know as well.

UPDATE:

Thanks to everyone for your clear suggestions. I have started taking the steps to move out. I have to take several steps with my wife to do this, like untie our finances, but I'm taking concrete steps for this now. I talked to my wife about my decision. She was very shocked when I said this, and finally accepted she has been abusing me, and that she had been in denial all this time. I welcome this, but I'm not letting this give me hope change will happen. I'm going ahead with my plan to leave. I also have talked to a good friend, and feel less isolated.

Also, after I had that talk with her, I told her directly that when I discussed how she hurt me, she always turned it about her feelings. I told her she had no empathy for me. Saying this out-loud opened my eyes. After some google, I realized that she has almost all the narcissistic traits. Wow, my mind is blown.