Source
r/SexPositive•
helloily

Slur/slut positivity?

I dont know much about this subreddit or sex positivity in general (though I am probably safely categorized as sex positive), but I couldn't find a thread on this topic and thought you all might be able to help.

I have a friend who says she is part of prominent sex positive spaces online (though she doesn't use reddit). I'm usually in feminist/female support areas of reddit, so when she used the word 'slut' in talking about a Game of Thrones character I was really surprised and my initial reaction was a cringe comment about slurs. She was defensive about it and said that my dislike of 'slut' harbors sex negativity, and that the sex positive community is trying to reclaim words like slut and whore.

I've only ever heard those words used in derogatory situations. Maybe I've known too many douches and misogynists, but those words still conjure up sex-shaming to me, and rather than being defensive about it I would think she'd be the first to check whether throwing those around was offensive. She claimed instead that she almost never hears them negatively and slut should be a good thing. After which we watched GoT where two characters were screamed at for being 'sluts' by other characters in the show...

Tl;Dr, is there a consensus among sex positive communities or this subreddit on slurs as something to reclaim? Is there a way to reclaim them that doesn't sound exactly the same and exactly as objectifying as my douche-bro 'friends' who casually call girls sluts whether the topic is sexual or not?

Posted Jun 13, 2014, 11:33 PM UTC

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pm_me_your_braces•

I'd like to reclaim it but I always follow it up by saying that I mean it in a good way. Eg. "I'm such a slut and I always have been. And I mean it in a good way."

But without qualifiers it's lacking context.

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Doxin•

without qualifiers it's lacking context.

I disagree. the word slut means the same thing, wether you think it's a positive or negative thing. the value judgement gets added by the listener interpreting it in a positive or negative way.

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pm_me_your_braces•

But of you say the word slut you aren't specifying your own value judgment. You're leaving it up to the listener to apply their own or maybe apply the traditional value judgment to it. For clarity, specify if you mean it in a sex positive way.

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Doxin•

well I guess that does prevent some ambiguity, but a) that's clear by context most of the time and b) people who think of sluts as negative are still going to interpret it negatively.

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pm_me_your_braces•

True. But you can challenge that. Maybe it's good for them to know that people out there are sex positive and totally happy about it. Maybe not. Still, it doesn't hurt and it's provocative and that makes it fun.

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crunchymush•

I've never been on to focus much on words, but more the intent of the speaker so reclamation of negative terms doesn't seem that productive to me. Reclaiming "slut" or "whore" won't change the attitudes of the people who use those words.

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2Weird2Live2Rare2Die•

I don't think there's any community in which you'll find a genuine consensus on the concept of reclaiming slurs. Even "dyke" and "queer" have their hold-out opponents.

Personally, I think the only person^(1) I'm allowed to call a slut is me, and I'm the only person^(1) allowed to call me a slut. I mean it as "person who unapologetically enjoys and desires sex". I'd never use it in a sexuality-shaming way, and I'd definitely never use it in the "general slur against a woman/queer man" sense so popular in my ambient culture. I might employ it ironically, such as if I were mockingly imitating a Red Pill shitbeast, but only in a manner which places the focus of ridicule on the person I'm imitating, not in the "ironic hipster bigotry" sense of saying "check out how prejudiced I'm being, isn't it funny?"

"Whore," on the other hand, refers specifically to a profession (even when derisively likening a non-sex worker to that profession) and thus is strictly the property of sex workers, in my opinion. I think they're the only ones who get to use it, even toward themselves. I can say "I'm such a slut" because my behavior qualifies me for the term (being sex-positive and sexually active), but saying "I'm such a whore" as a non-sex worker would be as presumptuous and demeaning as saying "I'm so black" when I'm not.

How did your friend use the word, exactly? Unless she was calling someone a "proud and noble slut in command of her sexuality" or some such thing, I expect that what she said was actually sex-negative in itself. It sounds like maybe your friend understands sex positivity but has yet to fully internalize it, instead saying the same sex-negative things the uninitiated do and then hiding behind the justification that it's okay when she says it because she doesn't mean it disrespectfully. To me that sounds a lot like saying "I'm not racist, so it's okay for me to call you a [slur] because I don't mean it offensively".

^(1. With the possible exception of beloved companions sharing mutual respect and trust.)

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animevamp727•

i feel like it is a personal thing. personally i like it in the bedroom might giggle if a close friend used it in joking toward me but anyone else and id be seeing red... so its a case by case trigger word with me.

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helloilyOP•

That's the thing right, she was baffled at having to explain why I shouldn't be offended. It's all about the intent and I'm fine with the concept of endearing slurs, but I haven't hung out with her much. Rather than explaining her intent she was defensive about my concern which was the weird part, like I should have expected that to not be a demeaning word.

I'm cool with the idea of reclaiming it, but even if that is a thing in her online community I can't imagine they aren't also explicit about the intent and cautious about the mainstream interpretation.

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hermithome•

Rather than explaining her intent she was defensive about my concern which was the weird part, like I should have expected that to not be a demeaning word.

Yeah, that's a huge red flag for me. And her whole "I've never heard it used in a bad way thing". Just before watching GoT.

She has heard it used negatively. A lot. She either has never noticed, or she doesn't care. It's fine if she wants to reclaim it personally, but the whole concept of reclaiming a word means that no, it's normally used that way. If everyone used it in a positive manner (as she is claiming), then there would be no need to reclaim anything.

If she's going to persist with her "reclaiming" and do it without context, awareness and with a big dose of defensiveness, then there's no problem reacting as though she's using a slur. Because she is.

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ohdriver•

I think your friend made a couple of assumptions (about you) that proved incorrect. One was that you’d know how she used the word ‘slut’.

Then she thought your dislike of the word was evidence of your sex-negativity, rather than the negativity in the word itself – sort of compounding the error rather than acknowledging it. Like she didn’t really hear you the first time? That could miff me a little.

The book “Ethical Slut” is a favorite of mine. Let’s all reclaim and declaim together by golly. But not get too doctrinaire about it?

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tickle_da_pickle•

This is such a heated topic for me, because as someone who is sex positive and all about free speech, this can present a conflict. I want people to be able to express themselves through words, and the fact is, some of those words will not be sex positive. I tend to agree with this article called Slut Shaming and Other Social Stigmas.

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[deleted]•

[deleted]

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