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r/OCPoetry•
EVGS

Messy

Feedback Received!

You’re a mess
A hot mess
Hair askew
Makeup smeared
Lying on the floor
In a pile of your own clothes
Reeking of gin and tonics
And Jägermeister
Your nose red
From trips to the bathroom
You tell yourself
“This will be the last time”
“I’ll never drink again”
You know it’s a lie
You’ll be back for more
As long as the long nights
Keep reality at bay
You’ll be back
You’ll be a mess
A hot mess
Doing what you do
To get by
 
 
 
-d. Evagreens-

Posted Jul 22, 2014, 6:04 AM UTC

55
jimdalyxoxo+71•

I didn't enjoy this poem greatly until I read it aloud, the way it trips me up and forces pauses is pleasing for my ears to hear.

The enjambment of your lines is mostly complimentary to the content and the form of the poem, the one large stanza is very fitting.
The concept of disillusionment runs deep through this poem, yet it still has a laughable and hearty feel to it, is this what you're going for?
It seems very light for the idea that we're dealing with, I don't think that's a bad thing.

your hair askew

the image conjured up by the word 'askew' does not compliment the subject of that line, the hair. The hair is askew. I would understand if the hat were askew, as that is a singular object, hair however is a very large number of strings or something.... askew simply does not fit in.
This is one of the greater works I've seen of yours, I think that can be attributed to how simple it all seems, though they're complicated and despairing ideas faced by many teens and adults alike you've somehow brought them to light in a satisfying way which can be observed by anyone. Nice

2
EVGSOP+26•

Pretty close, I feel like there is a level of hysterics in these scenarios used subconsciously as a self-preservation mechanism, so I was trying to make it a bit heavy and a bit light.
 
I imagined the hair as a singular "style", meticulously sculpted before going out. At the end of the night, the product, sweat, and possibly spilled drinks have rearranging the style into something wild and askew. Maybe it suffers from being too boiled down and not undefined.
 
Thanks for reading and thanks for the feedback.

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[deleted]•

[deleted]

1
EVGSOP+26•

wild

1
wigglecandy•

Lines 7,8. I really like this line break for the mixing of different drinks. Works better for the and in "gin and tonics"

Lines 12,13. I don't like these two lines. I'm sure most of us have said these exactly at some point, but I keep seeing these ascetic swears so often that I don't care for them anymore. Maybe you could replace 11-14 with something like "Oh, you make a vow/ but you know it's a lie." I think it would link up well enough with "You'll be back for more" in line 15.

I like the end of this poem which suggests more of a dependence on alcohol than I had initially read in this poem. At first I thought this was just a typical university young woman doing a bit of partying, but the last two lines make this more serious. On a second read, I can see this was already suggested in lines 16-17. Maybe you could toss in another hint to this in the first half of the poem.

Liked it, can relate, and I thought it was just the right length with nothing truly unnecessary or vague.

2
EVGSOP+26•

I agree that lines 12 and 13 are common, which is why i put them in. I don't know how many times I've heard them said and how many times I've said them myself. I think I was trying to resonate with the internal guilt so many of us have of making and breaking those vows, which is also why the quotations and the first person.
 
But maybe they just fall to cliche and I need to cut it out. Something for me to think about.
 
I like the simplicity of the beginning as it is now, but I get what you're saying about adding another hint.  
Thanks for the feedback.

1