On a bus
Still in the station
The engine is off
But it will be leaving soon
Looking out of the windows
At unfamiliar faces
Looking out of that booth
In that bar you liked
We were still together
Sitting across from each other
Empty glasses between us
You would be leaving soon
Posted Aug 12, 2014, 2:07 AM UTC · edited
I agree with u/WrathleenHanna. It would only take a minor edit with reflections, or I guess refractions, to connect the glasses to the glass. Something like "At unfamiliar faces, while seeing our own." Just a suggestion, you should do it.
I really like the parallel with the last line and line 4. Really good! This poem is very tight already, and I think minor edits will make it great.
It's a little over written.
If you're going to go sparse, you have to go completely sparse or you're going to leave in phrases which might not be crucial.
I'd recommend cutting "But it will be leaving soon." The "leaving soon" repetition is strangling the poem right now.
I'd change "It reminds me of" to "I remember"
I'd change "that bar that you liked" to "that bar you liked"
I don't know about the last section and I can't help but feel that you're loosing a good amount of punch as a result.
Thanks for the suggestions, I didn't like how the 2nd stanza looked. Changed.
As for the last stanza, it's supposed to draw the parallel between a bus leaving the terminal and the end of the relationship, but it's supposed to be deflating instead of punchy.
Leaving a station bus is deflating, yes you're going somewhere but its not the excitement of an airplane taking off, the bus trudged out onto the hwy and you're in traffic or w.e. Also the last line isn't an abrupt end to the relationship, the blandness of the last stanza hints that the spark is gone, but it still takes a while for the other person to extradite themselves.
I know what you're going for with the last stanza. I'm sorry my comment about that was too vague. Here's what I meant precisely...
You're still together but sitting apart but there's a glass between...that's a lot of prepositions and it comes off a bit too forceful. Like I said, you're running against economy here so you want to throw as many punches with as few words as you can. There's a phrase like "there's no meaning in clothes and coffee cups" or something like that which should be able to get the between/apart/together part section.
(REPOSTING NOTE: For anyone who is considering reposting or quoting anything I've said. Don't. I speak for myself. I've been playing this poetry game a long time and have made a lot of money doing it. I know what I'm talking about, and don't need anyone trying to assess my perspective. Thanks.)
Hmm, okay. So it's dumbed down to the point of seeming forced. Might be worth another rewrite to elevate past the literal. Something for me to consider. Thanks for the input.
[deleted]
I agree. Seems like the whole point of the poem is in that parallel, how the speaker is currently (on the bus) thinking of someone from the past, in a bar. Maybe try to mirror the sounds or rhythm of the lines to emphasize that connection? I also agree that I like the sparse language, though a couple of lines (7, 10) still stood out as being a little long (11 and 8 syllables, respectively; most other lines have around 5, 6 or 7). I also suggest taking out the word "reminds," as that's really the whole action of the poem, and would be better illustrated (it already is!) than stated.
Good point, it is out of place, added "reminds me of..." last minute because I thought "Looking out of that booth" wasn't enough.