Source
r/raisedbynarcissists•
PrincessGary

Other family members.

I've been LC with my Mum and Dad for about 2 years now, I don't really spend much if any time worrying about it either. But recently, I've been having thoughts as to contacting my other family that my Mum demanded I don't speak to, like my Aunt, and my Grandmother. There was a massive argument about when my Dad built a new house for my grandparents, and apparently my Aunt said they were ripping my grandparents off, blahblah

Since the massive thing, I've not really kept in contact with that side of my family, out of not wanting to start shit. But now I'm not sure I care, and I guess I'd like to hear the other side of the story.

I was always told I was the black sheep out of the family because I was goth, didn't go to college when they wanted me too. That side doesn't know I'm dating a transwoman either, but my mum assured me they'd hate it, and they're the only ones who'd understand.

I'm kinda on the fence about trying this, it would start as a Facebook add, and go from there.

Posted Aug 27, 2014, 2:49 PM UTC

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thoughtfulandkindρℓαу gαмєѕ ιη α ѕαƒє ѕρα¢є /r/supportivegames•

If you have a chance to establish a relationship with your extended family independent of your parents, please take that chance. Your mother demanding you not speak to those family members makes me think she was afraid they would be supportive of you and undermine her control over you.

2
PrincessGaryOP•

Thankyou, I think I will, I just have to work out what to say!

2
LuluThePandaACoN DoNM DoNF GCsis LC•

I did this with my Aunt. When my grandmother died there was all kind of drama about the will and stuff and Nmom asserted that my Aunt was a terrible person, manipulative and vindictive and blah blah blah. Nmom used to ALWAYS tell me how much like Aunt I am, how I'm going to turn into a horrible person just like her and I'm being terrible to GCsis, etc. etc. You know the drill.

My Aunt had sent her a letter to go NC (I didn't know it was NC at the time, I was only 11 and I knew she just didn't want to see us anymore), and so I hadn't spoken with Aunt in 10 years. After I left and went NC with Nmom I decided to contact Aunt. I was terrified about doing it (what if I'm the black sheep of the family? what if she hates me?).

BEST. DECISION. EVER.

Yeah, I am just like her. I am independent, confident, I love chocolate, I'm an introvert, and I prefer not to be involved in useless drama. She's been here for me this whole entire time, helped me navigate my family and explain why I wasn't speaking to Nrents, helped me put together my wedding and reception, and she even lets me call her in the middle of the night when I'm panicking. She understands how I feel about Nrents and supports my decision to go NC.

Obviously you are not the same as me and your family is not the same as mine. But I just wanted to show you that I was in your spot and it has the potential to be really, really good.

And hey, if not, you can just stop talking to them again! :P

1
PrincessGaryOP•

I'm fully considering it, But I am worried about coming out to her, Honestly, I'm not sure how she is with LGBT stuff. I think she'd be okay, but...I don't know.

1
LuluThePandaACoN DoNM DoNF GCsis LC•

Now, I'm not super experienced with LGBT-related things, so forgive me if I'm being ignorant here. Is it something that you have to tell her right away? Like, when I first get to know people I don't generally go into my relationships/love live/etc. I don't think it would be super important for you to tell her right away or anything. You might want to just get to know each other for a bit, see if you like her at all in the first place, and then maybe when she asks like "oh are you in a relationship?" just be like "yeah" and that's it. It doesn't seem to me like you'd be hiding it, you're just private about your relationships like loads of other people.

And if she wants to make a stink about how you're living your own life, then cut her off. You're not obligated to continue the relationship with her just because you searched her out.

1
PrincessGaryOP•

It's listed on my facebook page, so it'll be there if she notices, I can send her a message and hope she pays attention to her "others" folder.

I'm probably making a bigger thing out of it, as I'm worried is all.

1
LuluThePandaACoN DoNM DoNF GCsis LC•

Ahhh this makes sense. Yeah, I just started with a Facebook message and went from there. That way it was super controlled, I didn't have to give any information I didn't want to or have to feel as panicky about it as I would if I were chatting on the phone. And if I didn't feel comfortable, I'd just go dark again and not talk to them and no harm done.

Baby steps. It took me a good 3 months before I could even send the facebook message, and then a few weeks of corresponding before a phone call. Doesn't have to be all or nothing, you're completely in control and get to decide how intimate the relationship becomes or doesn't become. It's TOTALLY up to you.

3
BloodBride•

I'd say to go for it, to be fair.
If Nmom doesn't have contact with that side of the family, it's not like they're privvy to the ins and outs of what you've been up to all this time.
Also, if she's estranged from them too, it's not like she can pop up to poop on your party, is it?
Worst-case scenario, they wish to maintain no contact with you, which is your current situation.
Better scenario is that you gain more family members, and perhaps learn more from that side of the family that your Nmom didn't want you knowing.
I don't know which is likely, but honestly, what do you have to lose?
On the issues of dating a transwoman, they'd likely only know that you're gay from that - it's not like trans people smell funny or look different in any way that they'd be able to just... recognise right off the bat.
The fact of who you're dating could also come up later on, after the first initial bridges have been thrown up.

1