Source
r/Parenting•
DiscernableDay

Public tantrums and strangers "helping"

I just got home from trying to do a quick run at the store where my speech delayed 3 year old had a tantrum. It doesn't really matter why, but not only was he not getting his way, but he felt I didn't understand him, which is common where we are on his speech. Before I could even finish getting our buggy and into the store stranger #1 comes around from behind me and gets her face close to my sons and in a harsh voice shouts "mind your momma," smirks to her husband and walks off. I'm dumbfounded. Wtf was that suppose to accomplish? I shrugged it off, and focus on getting him in the store. I'm trying to get him to understand first we'll do xyz then we'll do what he wants when stranger #2, a store greeter comes up and tried to give him a sticker. Thanks and all, but you're super intimidating and a sticker isn't gonna save this hindenburg. I take the sticker, thank the man and get my son heading towards where we need to go when stranger #3 comes up (mind you, yes, he's upset, but not screaming his lungs out and not laying on the floor, just trying to get me not to walk and repeating his desires over and over bc he doesn't think I get it). Stranger #3 asks what's wrong and offers some sympathy. Then stranger #4,a boy from school around the same age who just wanted to offer comfort. I get away, we're still not seeing eye to eye and an employee from the deli, stranger #5 comes, out and yells at him repeatedly "what's wrong with you?!" WTF. I wish to god I had had the good sense to say something shocking or put her in her place. She managed to say a couple of things along the lines of "why are you doing that" and a couple more "what's wrong with you". I say very pointedly that he's fine and he has some sensory issues and were just fine, thank you. But honestly, I was so hurt I wanted to cry too. I could see my son was now upset and scared, but he was at a breaking point and I talked him down, he calms himself, we grabbed what we needed and left. We get to the car and he starts crying and saying the lady hurt his heart. He understood what she said. It's been about forty minutes and he's still saying it with tears (on and off). I tried to tell him he's safe with mommy, but clearly that's not true. I'm all about it takes a village, but why do some people think that trumps an active parents attempt to parent?? I just needed to get it off my chest. I'm feeling pretty terrible I didn't say or do anything and I can't seem to make him feel better. He'll be four soon, but I'm hoping he forgets this.

Posted Nov 18, 2014, 6:36 PM UTC

419
beaglemama•

an employee from the deli, stranger #5 comes, out and yells at him repeatedly "what's wrong with you?!" WTF.

Call the store to complain about this. Seriously, what the employee did was NOT OK.

17
DiscernableDayOP•

I thought about it, but I doubt they'd actually do anything. It doesn't take back his pain or fear, and all I can really do is try to boil it down into a teaching moment. He's so young and with the speech issues, unless he continues to bring it up, there's not a lot for him I can do. I hate being reminded that we can't protect our little ones from everything.

0
beaglemama•

I thought about it, but I doubt they'd actually do anything.

I'm sure they'll at least talk to her. It might not change what already happened to your son, but it might prevent her from doing it to any other children.

6
glaceauglaceau•

You would be surprised. The stores generally do want to hear about their employees acting like total douche canoes. Go back and get the employee's ID number if you can and file a complaint.

3
PetticoatRule•

I understand your feeling of helplessness because you can't go back and change what happened to him, but she can get a good stern reminder that she can't speak to children, or any customer, or any one that way without consequence.

2
Sushi-K•

If that had happened at the last retail job I had, and someone complained, the person would most likely have been terminated on the spot if there were witnesses (witnesses to make sure the customer wasn't making it up/exaggerating). If no witnesses, the employee would still be coached, possibly sent home for the day, and the whole store would receive retraining on how to deal with crying children.

Report it! At the very least, even if that store isn't as on top of it as mine was, they'll probably still get a lecture.

1
Houdat•

I agree. Call the store and complain. That was totally out of line and she needs someone to tell her that.

0
mcnuggetskitty•

Was the deli lady older by any chance? My grandma, who was the sweetest, most compassionate, most kind hearted woman I've ever known, often said this to kids who were upset or having tantrums. It came out kind of "Well, what's wrong with you?", and meant it as "What's going wrong in your life right now?", not that something was actually wrong with the child. I've noticed older people tend to use that phrase the same way she did too. The phrasing of things to focus on the behavior, not the child, is a relatively new thing. When that generation raised their kids, saying things like "Such a bad boy/girl!" wasn't anything anyone would bat an eye at. It doesn't make what she did right, but she may not have meant it as it was interpreted. Of course, she could have just also been a bitch, but I like to hope not.

That sounds super frustrating. I probably would have been giving everyone I saw a "do not dare speak to me or my child right now" glare after the first few people. It sounds like at least most of them meant well though, and the boy from school trying to comfort him was pretty sweet. It's so hard to know what to do and what is helpful when you see someone with a kid having a tantrum. Some people would appreciate a sticker as a distraction, some people have a situation where that would just reinforce bad behavior. I usually just try to err on the side of caution and offer a sympathetic smile and get out of their way.

9
DiscernableDayOP•

She looked in her late forties or early fifties. The boy tried, but my son just buried himself into me and the other mother called her son back. I know he meant well. People have an aversion to children in distress, and I get it, but sometimes that's just life.

1
MotownMama•

Since he keeps bringing it up I think you should talk to him about it. When he says she hurt my heart, ask him if it was because she was loud/yelled at him. Get him to say what it was that bothered him and then say, that you understand why that upset him, and that it upset you too. Something like, "Yeah I didn't like that either. It didn't sound very nice." And if you can work it into the convo make a point to tell him that there isn't anything wrong with him. Not to be over dramatic but even though it's very likely he will forget this incident, I wouldn't want the thought that something is wrong with him to be in the back of his mind.

4
[deleted]•

I'm a foster parent and been through some massive tantrums in public with kids going through stuff that strangers couldn't even possibly begin to fathom. I understand how hard it is to have people jumping in, even when they mean to be helpful or kind it's not gonna work in those moments. Your son will forget, eventually (how much do you remember from being 3/4? And you can feel free to be more aggressive telling people to step off next time. Just focus on getting the kid through it. Which is sounds like you did just fine. Oh, and you can tell your son that some people are rude. He knows he was wronged, it's ok to agree with him.

3
DiscernableDayOP•

I don't want to make his hurt worse by lingering and other than trying to improve his day through activities, I'm not sure how much I could say to help him understand. His speech is about that of a 2.5 yr old. Thank you.

1
chaseylane1•

People really don't know there place these days. I had a waitress mutter something in a different language and make some kind of sign on my at the time 3 month olds forehead. I flipped out. Who gave her the right to touch my child? Who by the way was calm at the time. I think people think they know better than the parents. Which is ridiculous. Next time maybe yell stranger danger. It could shock them enough to back up and reconsider.

-1
AnnaLemmaA Ravenclaw trying to parent a Gryffindor -.-•

I actually think that people these days have much more of a "tend your own garden" attitude than previous generations - witness the number of old biddies who feel free to offer unsolicited advice. I'm of two minds about this, to be honest. Certainly in OP's situation stranger intrevention contributed to her stress, but the flip-side of that is people complaining about how everybody avoided them when they were clearly in trouble. No matter what you do, it's going to piss of somebody.

I typically mind my own business. Had I come across OP, I would have offered a sympathetic smile and walked on. But I'm not at all sure that this is optimal - it's just the path of least resistance.

11
Flewtea•

I think my ideal would be it being socially acceptable to just stop and ask "anything I can help with?" if you're so inclined without Mom/Dad taking it as a slight against how they're handling it and without the person stopping being offended if they say no. As it stands, I usually take your approach.

1
Celadonsea•

Sounds like she blessed him.

2
DiscernableDayOP•

I wish I would have said something. The first lady blindsided me, but by the last, I was so frustrated and shocked, nothing really came out. Though I'd like to think the look I gave almost turned her to stone, in reality I probably looked constipated. I can't believe someone touched your baby, I thought that was a universal no go zone.

1
Throwawaybuffalobaby•

I feel for you and your little boy. I used to be a little shy about telling people to back off my child but I practiced saying $&@! Off on my commute and now instead of shocked silence an f-bomb comes out first. I would rather apologize to my son for swearing than undo a stranger's cruelty. You are your child's advocate, you know him best, and if he continues to have delays you will be fully educated on his skill set and how to maximize his behavior. Don't be afraid to tell people to f-off and mind their own business. You don't owe them anything. Your responsibility is to your child.

And definitely call that store and complain. Call back a week later and if the manager hasn't done anything tell them that you'll have to report them to corporate for ruining your brand loyalty.

And the village is of your making, not randos who insert themselves where they don't belong.

1
DiscernableDayOP•

Thank you, you're right. I have a problem with confrontation and need to fix it. I'll call the store tomorrow.

1