"I Have A Hoarder In My Life--Help Me!" Your Hoarding Quick-Start Kit

So lately we've had a few people come to this sub who have a parent, spouse, or other loved one who is a compulsive hoarder. They come here pleading with us to help them figure out what to do.

We are not experts here. We're not therapists or psychologists. We're recovering hoarders, children/spouses/loved ones of hoarders, and people trying to control our hoarding tendencies, and so we've tried to learn everything we can. We are not your doctor. Our suggestions do not constitute medical advice, nor are they a substitute for medical advice. If your situation is urgent, please consult our Hoarding Resource List 3.5 for available resources in your area.

Still, in an effort to boil down the stuff we've learned over the years, here's a Quick-Start Kit for those just starting to deal with the hoarder in their lives. This post summarizes the research we've done on this sub to some basic steps.

Note that you WILL have to do some reading--click the links as appropriate, and be prepared to buy/borrow/check out from the library some of the recommended books. This is a difficult mental disorder to deal with, and there are no easy answers.

The single most important thing is this-- you have to take the time to educate yourself about this disorder. Compulsive hoarding is not a matter of people being lazy or untidy. Getting someone to clean up may be your initial goal, but trust us--if you go about it wrong, you'll be right back where you started in a matter of months (if not weeks) because your hoarder will re-hoard. Your loved one is going to require a lot of work, patience, time, and understanding to move past whatever is causing him to hoard, and understanding how this disorder works is key to that.

See, many compulsive hoarders hang on to things because doing so is a coping mechanism for extremely intense emotional pain. That pain can result from anxiety disorder, PTSD, depression, any number of things.

When hoarders part with even a couple of their items, they experience really intense emotional pain because they haven't developed a healthier coping mechanism. Developing new coping skills for painful issues doesn't happen overnight. If you yank the hoarder's stuff away from him--and it's very tempting to do so, especially if you've had to live in a hoarded home for a while--you risk escalating that pain even further. To deal with that, your hoarder is going to revert and go right back to hoarding.

The other issue is that compulsive hoarders "lack insight"--a psychiatric term for the fact that hoarders literally don't know they're sick and they cannot perceive the impact of their hoard on their home and relationships. Thus, hoarders can be downright delusional when it comes to talking about their hoards--"It's not that bad", "Oh, I can get that cleaned up in an hour or so", "That item can be fixed, no problem", and so forth.

This lack of insight makes compulsive hoarders very resistant to suggestions to clean up, seek therapy, and so forth. For them, the people in their lives are making a big fuss about nothing. It's the single biggest issue in treating hoarders--making hoarders understand that their hoarding is a bona fide, major problem that can literally destroy their homes (the combined weight of all the clutter puts a tremendous amount of pressure on floorboards and can cause them to decay) and/or risk their lives.

To get anywhere with a compulsive hoarder, you have to understand how they see their hoard, and how they view you as someone who wants to remove their hoard. To be blunt--they might be coaxed into cooperating, but once things start going into the trash they'll feel threatened, because you're trying to take away the one thing that keeps them for experiencing that emotional pain. Thus, they'll be highly motivated to protect their hoard at all costs.

So, to learn about--and combat--compulsive hoarding, you'll first need to do homework. Your assigned reading is as follows:

• Stuff: Compulsive Hoarding and the Meaning of Things, by Skeketee and Frost. It's the best layman's introduction to compulsive hoarding that's out there right now, and can give you insight into how your loved one thinks.
• Digging Out: Helping Your Loved One Manage Clutter, Hoarding, and Compulsive Acquiring by Michael A. Tompkins. This book is written specifically for the spouse, family, and/or loved ones on how to deal with the hoarder in your life who won't accept that he's a hoarder. It gives you a bona-fide plan (not "tips"! A plan of action!) for communicating with your hoarder, identifying issues, working on your relationship with your hoarder, and in general coaxing your hoarder to a healthier way of doing things.
• If you have a parent that hoards, please check out Children of Hoarders: How to Minimize Conflict, Reduce the Clutter, and Improve Your Relationship by Dr. Fugen Neziroglu. The book explores strategies for communicating with hoarder parents, and outlines practical intervention skills. It also shows readers how to let go of the personal shame and guilt associated with being the child of a hoarder.

If you live with your hoarder, you'll also want to check out the following articles:

• ChicagoNow.com – Living with a Hoarder: How to Handle It
• Psych Up with Dr. Suzanne Phillips - Living With Someone’s Clutter or Hoarding: How Do You Cope?
• OffbeatHome.com - 5 ways to cope with hoarding
• Gaiam.com - What to Do if You Live with a Hoarder

And finally, a video:

• The Way To Help a Family Member, from the International OCD Foundation.

Once you've read up on compulsive hoarding:

• If your loved one recoils from being described as a "hoarder", switch terms. Use phrases like "chronic disorganization", "inefficient storage", "persistent disarray", "organizational education", and so forth.
• Start small
• See if you can help your loved one see his hoard.
• Do a Julie6100 on your loved one when appropriate.
• In conversation with your hoarder, focus on safety and harm reduction over clean-up. Many hoarders will be dismissive about clean-up, but will respond to concerns about safety.
• BE PATIENT. Your loved one didn't get into this mess overnight, and he's not going to get out of it overnight. It takes time to work through the things she's working through.
• Get support for yourself.
• Get to know the contents in the aforementioned Hoarding Resource List.

Finally, many people visiting this sub have expressed concern about affording therapy if they're able to convince their loved one to seek help. If you're in the USA, every region in the USA has a community mental health center (funded by the federal gov't) that will provide therapy and psychiatric services to anyone, regardless of ability to pay. They offer a sliding fee scale (as low as $3 per visit) to help the uninsured. Use this link to find your local provider.

Good luck!