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r/shutupandwrite•
Neglectful

[feedback] The lampshade (243 words)

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This is the first thing i finish writing in maybe 10 years. Looking for all kinds of critique. Thanks!

edit: corrected some formatting as per FeralTomato's feedback edit2: changed it a bit of the unclear phrase Dazcos pointed out.

The lampshade

And then suddenly, George was alone.

The voices had stopped, the shadows were still.

He stared at the lamp on his night stand. It was motionless. Could it be over? He looked around his room. No shadow silhouettes dashing from the corners of his eyes. "Hello?", he called. No answer. He took a deep breath and laid down on his bed.

"Had it been all in my mind?", he wondered. It must have been. After all, if it was real, then... his friends, his family, his life... all a lie. "But why? Why toy with me?", he thought. "Is that just what everyone has been doing?".

He remembered the dinner, where they greeted him with twisted smiles, smirking at his every word. He could almost still feel how they whispered his name whenever he turned back. The thought gave him goosebumps.

"Was that real?" he asked himself.

He looked at his forearms and how the hairs had risen. Nothing was moving. He turned on his laptop and searched "psychiatrist New Orleans".

Dr Jessica Wong in Almonaster Avenue looked like a good candidate. As he looked through her website, he was interrupted by his phone ringing.

He looked at the screen. It was his sister's number. "look, about the other day..." he said as he picked up. "Don't worry." It was Mandy's voice, his 8 year old niece. "Oh hey! How are you?" he asked in a much more upbeat voice. "Worry about yourself", she said. "It's not over". And then the lampshade started breathing.

Posted Apr 2, 2015, 8:45 PM UTC · edited

310
mojo4mydojo170 rep•

Don't use quotation marks if he's thinking to himself. Italics would be better.

he asked himself is redundant as you've already stated he's alone.

Why was Dr. Jessica Wong a good candidate?

The last paragraph needs to be formatted correctly as per dialogue rules.

Killer last line!

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NeglectfulOP0 rep•

Thank you! ✓

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JotBotbot•

Confirmed: u/mojo4mydojo +10rep

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Dazocs10 rep•

So, we have George in his bed. He seems to be coming out of a psychosis of some type. He isn't sure if his recent past was real or not. Earlier, he had dinner with his family, and he felt that they had directed a bit of contempt his way. He jumps on Google to find a psychiatrist, only to regress back into the psychosis with the phone call.

In this short piece, I think you presented us the conflict (George not knowing what is real and what is not) very well. As a reader, I wanted know what was going, and that pulled me along through the piece. The payoff at the end, of course, was the lamp shade breathing. This let us in on the fact that George is not always in touch with reality. Whether it is due to a mental illness or something else, like drugs, is not addressed. I am left wondering what the cause is though.

You have a number of punctuation and capitalization issues, but if this is the first draft, they can be cleaned up in #2.

Also, I was confused by the reference to “her sister’s number” in the last paragraph.

‘Dr Jessica Wong in Almonaster Avenue looked like a good candidate. As he looked through her website, his phone rang. It was her sister's number.’

Whose sister is calling? Dr. Wong’s? George is male, so it can’t be his.

Is this part of a larger piece? It feels like it.

Edit: spelling

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NeglectfulOP0 rep•

Thank you very much! ✓

It's not part of a larger piece. I might expand on it later, though.

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JotBotbot•

Confirmed: u/Dazocs +1rep

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[deleted]•

Without further talking about the content and your style of writing (which both seem not bad), I'd really like you to pay attention to formatting etc.

"but why?","why toy with me?" he thought.

"But why? Why toy with me?", he thought.

"don't worry.".It was mandy's voice. his 8 year old niece.

"Dont worry." It was Mandy's voice, his 8 year old niece.

It might seem to be not that important, but in my opinion it is kind of immersion-breaking and annoying.

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NeglectfulOP0 rep•

Thank you! ✓

1
JotBotbot•

Confirmed: u/FeralTomato +1rep

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JotBotbot•

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