Source
r/widowers•
TrueEnt

How do I start to date again?

Months have passed and I am missing the companionship of another person. I am becoming certain that I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone but I don't want to just grab the first person willing to try and fill the void. I don't know what I want to do with my future so I don't know who would make a good partner for the adventures ahead. I also fear that my first few forays into the dating world are going to be complete disasters, I'm out of practice and the world has changed in the last couple of decades.

Some of current friendships with women are changing, there seems to be more tension and a bit more excitement in a couple of cases. Maybe it is just me projecting my feelings onto other people but whatever the source I don't know if I should pursue those possibilities. I very much like my friends and would hate to lose what I have by pushing for more. I would also hate to lose them by not pushing or by making assumptions or even by talking about this subject stupidly.

I'm considering meetups as a way to meet new people with similar interests. Dating people who didn't know me first as someone's husband might make things easier, fewer habits to unlearn perhaps. I don't come with a lot of baggage, no kids to hate a new person in my life, so that part might be easier.

I also don't know what age range to look for. My group of friends has women ranging from twenty-five to seventy-five in it, (I'm near the middle) all of whom are fantastic and amazing people. I can imagine myself starting a family (It isn't yet too late for me, I previously packed that dream away when my wife and I had a car crash on our honeymoon.) or finding a comfortably retired lady to enjoy traveling together or a bunch of other possibilities in between those extremes.

As I'm writing this and solidifying my thoughts I'm coming up with some insights of my own. My dreams for the future are fluid right now. I'd like to learn about the dreams and desires of potential partners and see if any of them resonate with me, to find out if there is a place in any of these plans for a man like me. How do I go about this? More importantly, how do I do this without causing emotional pain and misery to those around me?

Posted Apr 19, 2015, 3:13 PM UTC

1247
The_Ineffable_One•

I'm dating again. After a few months of casual dating, I decided to try to build something with someone new. It's weird. A friend who was justifiably concerned that I was comparing everyone to my late wife gave me a great piece of advice: Don't compare a potential date to the woman I lost, instead, feel free to compare her to all the other women I've ever dated in my life. It was a good piece of advice.

I don't feel the connection right now with the woman I am dating, but I am giving it time to see if it develops. If it does, great; if it doesn't, I'm going to assume that she's not right for me--not that I'm not ready to date.

Like you, we did not have the chance to have children before she died, and I do want to be a father, so I am focusing on women of child-bearing age. The woman I am dating now is 33.

As for causing emotional pain and misery to those around you, I guess I don't understand that part. Who is around you who doesn't want you happy?

EDIT: I forgot something. One way to begin is by telling your friends--men and women--that you are ready to date and asking them if they know anyone.

6
[deleted]•

[deleted]

1
TrueEntOP•

As for causing emotional pain and misery to those around you, I guess I don't understand that part. Who is around you who doesn't want you happy?

I'm afraid of hurting my friends while I'm trying to find my own happiness. Things like alienating people when I try and get to know them better or reading the signals wrong in the first place are what I mean by hurting those around me. Yes, my friends would be understanding but as a friend I wouldn't want to put them through that in the first place.

That's a big part of why I'm thinking about dating outside my circle of friends, at least at first. I'm not risking my established friendships with any inept attempts to take them further. I can try that later when my attempts will be more ept. (That's a joke son, I say, a joke...)

1
The_Ineffable_One•

I definitely think you should date outside your circle of friends. You might ask them if they have friends who are looking--friends whom you don't know or don't know well--but I wouldn't want to risk a friendship, either.

2
TrueEntOP•

Thanks, I think that's the safest route to start. I'm learning who I am now and that will be easier with people who don't know me as part of a couple.

1
IDidIDoAndIWill•

I know it's not necessarily my place and I don't want to intrude upon this sanctuary, but I'd like to share my experience with dating a widow. I apologize in advance if I am insensitive, but I'd like to share with you the other side of the coin; how it feels like to date someone where you'll never be the love of their life and you'll always be compared to "the one".

When I first met her, she was a fun loving, smart and strong willed woman. I fell in love with her the moment we saw each other. We would text each other like teenagers; sometimes 50+ times a day. We'd go on dates multiple times a week. We'd sneak glances at each other when we thought the other person wasn't watching. We'd kiss each other on the cheek during theater, while out dining, while at the park, etc. It was amazing the chemistry we felt on the first date.

A month later, she tells me that she's a widow; her husband had passed in a car accident. She asked me if that would be a problem and I told her no; I would be there for her. To be honest, I already fell hard for her and a thousand man army couldn't keep me away from her.

But something definitely changed. The first night I stayed over at her place was wonderful. But when I left, she ignored me for a week. She'd talk to me about how she missed her husband and get frustrated at me and grow emotionally distant when I couldn't commiserate. And believe me, I'd tried to say things to sympathize with her, but I'd always say the wrong things. Maybe I wasn't empathetic enough. Maybe I didn't have the experience to know what to say to a widow. Maybe there was nothing I could have said to make her feel better after losing her soulmate she spent nearly a decade with. She still had pictures of her husband on her wall. She still had their wedding day photos in the living room. I didn't want to press on it, because I know how important he was to her, but it left me feeling like I'd always be second in her heart.

But, we'd continue to have fantastic dates; she'd tell me how much she liked me and was so happy that I was in her life and I would tell her that in between kisses that she was so smart, so witty, so beautiful and such a wonderful person to me. She would talk to me about her dreams for the future how she wanted to find someone to start a family with and I would tell her the same. I thought that we had put those emotions behind us.

Boy was I wrong. We went on this fantastic date for a special occasion. She told me how blessed she was to have me in her life and how she was so happy she's spending time with me. After dinner, we went home and cuddled for 2-3 hours while telling each other how much we meant to each other. She would text me when she got home what a wonderful time she had and how she loved the gifts that I got her. What can I say? I seriously was in love with this girl and I pulled out all the stops. I was pretty proud of myself, I really wanted to show her how much I cared for her and how I wanted to see her happy and I can say with no ego that this might have been the best date that I have ever planned in all my years.

She texted me the next day saying that she wanted to meet up for coffee; I was thinking to myself "Life is great!". When I met up with her, she wouldn't look me in the eye. When I tried to hold her hands, she brushed me off. Finally, she told me that I was a nice guy, but I wasn't there for her when she needed emotional support. I begged her for a second chance; "I'll try harder, just give me a chance to prove myself!" I remember myself telling her. I still remember the daggers she spoke that pierced my heart, "I appreciate it, but I don't care enough to try to save this relationship. I don't have the time or energy to spend on it."

That was it. I was crushed. How did she go from hot to cold so quickly? How could she "not care enough" to save the relationship? Was I not worth the modicum of effort? I can say honestly say that I gave her the very best of me and it wasn't enough. Did I even have a chance with her or was our relationship doomed to fail?

I only ask that when you start dating again, please make sure that you are ready to date again. Do you still compare the person you're dating to your spouse? It's not fair to them to be compared to a legend. Please give us a chance to win your love, don't set us up to fail.

P.S. I fully admit that maybe I was a terrible boyfriend with the empathy of a demented rock. At no point am I trying to put the blame on her. I think it was a wrong place, wrong time and I still to this day wish that I could have set things right with her and had it worked out. Heck, I still think I would welcome that outcome.

6
ramen-hotep•

Wow. What can I say, except 'thanks'?

Truth is (speaking for me only), losing a mate damages a person. The death of my wife was the most traumatic thing I've experienced and it undoubtedly changed me.

It's been eight months and I've done well with my grief and I'm succeeding in relocating my wife emotionally. Along with that, I've begun to wonder if I'm getting close to a point when I will start dating. And then I think...

"Am I too damaged to be a partner to another woman?" More than anything, I would want to be fair to her.

I empathize with you. And that's why I'm hesitant to even think much about dating. Somewhere, there is probably another soul mate out there for me. She is warm, witty, smart, kind, passionate, independent, loving...etc. etc. And it scares the crap out of me that I might find her and that I might be so messed up from the death of my first wife...that my damage would cause such a wonderful person pain like you have experienced.

Thanks for sharing. You really hit a nerve here. Wow.

2
yebohang•

I would have to humbly disagree with the word "damage". It definitely does change a person, but I have never thought of myself as damaged, only changed. And I find that the experience, though indeed traumatic, has affected me in many positive ways. I would never for the life of me want to go through that again, nor would I wish it upon anyone. Having said that, I'm grateful for the experience as it has helped me grow.

6
ramen-hotep•

Have an up-vote. I see your point. Perhaps there is middle ground? To make a delicious omelet, you have to damage the shell of the egg. It is equally fair to say that the shell is only 'changed' and not 'damaged'. By coincidence, I too, use the word 'gratitude' now when I think of my loss. Thanks for sharing your perspective.

4
yebohang•

Beautifully put.

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IDidIDoAndIWill•

Thank you so much, I appreciate your words and they mean a lot to be because you've lived through her nightmares, yet can appreciate my perspective.

If there is two things I wish I had the courage to say to her it would be these two:

  • Please take down pictures of your spouse. I understand that they are important to you and they always will be. I do not question that. But do you know how miserable it makes me feel knowing that it's his picture that sits at your bedside? At the same time, I love you and I want to support you so I'm not going to say anything, but each time I see that, it reinforces that I'm not the person you really love. I'm a reasonably acceptable backup and it HURTS. If you can't bear to take down your spouse's pictures (at least when your date comes over), I don't think you're ready to date.

  • Your new partner is not a substitute for a counselor. Losing a spouse is a tremendously traumatic event and I have no doubts about that. However, your partner (usually) is not trained to be a grief counselor. Putting them into that role is a lose-lose proposition for them; they can't say anything that will make that grief of losing your spouse go away. I'm not saying that you shouldn't talk about that with your partner, but please have the right expectations. If you're expecting that they can "say the right things" and make the sorrow go away...I don't think you're ready to date. All I can do is create new happy memories with you. I can't change the tragedy of the past.

I don't know if these are the only 2 indicators, but these were the 2 things stood out as the most challenging part of dating a widow.

Once again, thank you for your kind words and I truly do wish that you find the joy and happiness in your life that you deserve.

4
ramen-hotep•

Excellent points. We widows/widowers tend to become self-centered. Healing requires us to be especially kind to ourselves, almost to the point of narcissism. For a time, it is necessary for life to be all about us. Same as with any other injury, rest is essential to healing. But there is the risk that we may become addicted (right word?) to our self care and: 1) Turn our lives/spaces into museums to the departed, 2) Expect the world to be our therapist, or 3) Take up the life of a crusader; banishing drunk driving, suicide, cancer, heart disease, or whatever it was that deprived us of our beloved...and unrealistically demanding that everyone around us show like devotion to our cause. Our grief can turn into our identity badge.

At the same time, we are extremely sensitive when we hear (or sense), "Isn't it time to move on?", no matter how helpfully the comment is made. We lost our spouse, not a set of keys.

So, as you can probably see, picking up life again can be a bit of a dance for us. Remember, we've (probably) never done this before and it's likely we'll awkwardly step on our new partner's toes from time to time.

The lady you fell for wasn't ready or fully available to you. But, at least she was honest with you. No matter how hard you fell for her, your life would have been miserable as the chief curator of her museum and the lead counselor in her grief therapy.

You've given me the beginnings of an excellent 'pre-dating checklist'. If you, or others, have more suggestions to add to the checklist, they would be greatly appreciated.

3
yebohang•

I think it's important to remember that this is one experience of a person dating another person. It is not indicative of people who are widows necessarily, though there are certainly elements of losing one's partner that I'm sure influenced that person. So saying, "this is the other side of the coin", isn't perhaps an accurate portrayal of the reality of widowhood. Every individual is different, everyone's grief is different and how everyone manages and copes with that grief is different. But that goes for every single individual person on the planet. You might have had a bad dating experience with a non-widow. That doesn't mean that people who aren't widows exhibit those qualities. It's good to get some insights perhaps into how grief can affect one's attempts at moving on, while at the same time be careful not to generalise from only one experience. Perhaps if you date another widow you might have a completely different experience altogether. Who knows?

1
rahal777•

I tried dating again for the first time after around 4 months. It wasn't something I was looking for. It just kind of happened, that I met a girl in a bar and there was some mutual interest. We dated fairly casually for a few months before we both realized that I just wasn't ready, and that I just didn't feel that kind of connection with her. On the plus side I ended up with a good friend, and another person to talk to when I'm feeling low. Now I'm at over a year, and am seriously thinking about starting to date again. I don't know if it will go any better this time, and it's kind of scary to put myself out there again, but I've also decided I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone. My wife and I also didn't have any kids, but I have a different kind of drama, in that it's difficult to tell women in my age group (I'm in my late twenties) that I've been married before, and that she passed. I still don't have a good way to tell people, and I feel it would be unfair not to be upfront about it if I'm thinking of seriously dating someone. I would definitely go outside of your group of friends. I found myself early on projecting feelings onto mutual friends of ours that I'm not sure were reciprocated, I took the cautious route and decided not to act on any of them. Now I've met some other people, and have some other prospects so that makes things a little less complicated at least. Meetups sound like a good idea, I have some other widower friends who've had some success with online dating. I think the most important thing, would just be to put yourself out there and make yourself available. Also, u/The_Ineffable_One makes an excellent point about talking to your friends about potential dates, that's pretty much how I've gone about it, and have a couple of numbers that I can potentially follow up with. It also makes it less surprising for them, if that's something that you're worried about.

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The_Ineffable_One•

It also makes it less surprising for them, if that's something that you're worried about.

Definitely. It is really easy for the mutual friend to do all the explaining for you.

2
NomisRezleb•

I'm in a similar place as you. Just over a year and I'm starting to think about dating. I went on one a month or so ago and I realized I need a little more time. I'm also not looking forward to telling someone I was married and she passed...and she committed suicide. I feel like it will be heaping shit on top of shit at that point.

2
TrueEntOP•

Thanks, you've given me some good advice here. I've been putting myself out there and making myself available for all sorts of activities and it's been a great way to stay busy. I'll find a hiking meetup (as a first thought) and use it as a way to widen my social circle. I think finding people to do things with then seeing if romance happens makes more sense then looking for romance.

Also, I'm not feeling quite as ready as I did when I posted this yesterday. That makes me glad I broached the subject here with my internet support friends rather than with my face to face friends.

1
rahal777•

No problem, that's why this sub exists. Sadly we're all going through similar if not the same things. I've found an immense amount of comfort and support here, and the other members have helped me a ton with some of the really tough stuff. I'm happy to try and give a little of that back.

2
TawWidower•

but I have a different kind of drama, in that it's difficult to tell women in my age group (I'm in my late twenties) that I've been married before, and that she passed. I still don't have a good way to tell people, and I feel it would be unfair not to be upfront about it if I'm thinking of seriously dating someone.

This really hit a chord with me. I was 34 when my first wife died and I started dating at 35. For the first six months or so, I really hit it off with the women... until they learned about my history. Sure, they can handle a guy who was divorced or never married, but they had no clue what to do with a guy who was widowed. Some were worried that they had no idea if I "was ready" and lacked the confidence to actually see though it. Others were afraid that they'd say something wrong and hurt me. I actually had a few women get up and walk out of the restaurant when I told them about my status.

It was getting really frustrating... I didn't want to wait too long to share my status, because it's not fair to the women I'm dating. But it was painful to have to keep going through those situations. So what did I do? A friend of mine, an older woman in her 60's who had been around the world a few times, told me: just put it right in your online dating profile!

So I found a very eloquent way of indicating my status but making sure to not leave any room for "is he ready" questions. What happened?

The number of replies I got for both eHarmony and OKCupid dropped off substantially. I'm talking from about 10 a week to 1 every week or two weeks. Where before I was talking with women in their mid 20's to mid 30's, after I altered my profile I never got a reply from anyone younger than 31. However...

...those women who did reply had substantially greater intellectual and emotional depth and maturity. They were much better matches for me. I became good friends with a few, and then I met the woman who I would eventually marry. I knew that whoever I met would have some experience with this kind of thing, and I thought it would be a nurse or doctor. But that wasn't the case. Her experience with death was with her dad... he died when she was 12, and so she experienced her mother going through the same thing I had gone through before.

I hope that wasn't discouraging to you... it just happens that in my area, the women in their 20's weren't as mature as the others.

ETA: Here's what I put about the subject in my OKCupid profile. "What is the most private thing you're willing to admit?" "I'm a widower (it's been more than a year). I've faced challenges that many haven't and overcome the kind of obstacles that were absolutely terrifying at first but brought out the strength that I did not know I had. I learned a sense of perspective, that it really is all small stuff. And I understand that every moment I spend sharing and laughing with others is a huge gift."

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aprilthrownaway•

I am a woman involved with a widower. I could tell you what it's like from the perspective of women who love widowers, if you'd like to know. I won't post, though, if my perspective is unwelcome here.

3
TrueEntOP•

Please share! I don't think the r/widow group is working the way people expect so this place works for everybody.

I am very interested in hearing all the sides of dating stories. Such knowledge can only help me.

1
aprilthrownaway•

I am in love with my widower. I believe he loves me, although he doesn't say so often. We have been together nearly two years. We do not live together and neither of us has children. His late wife died four years ago following a prolonged illness. That's the background.

There's a tl:dr at the end of Part 3. I have a lot to say, so this will be posted in a couple of different parts.

Let me start by seconding everything u/IDidIDoAndIWill said, especially the part about being a "reasonably acceptable backup." There is never a day that I am unaware that I am not my widower's (W's) first choice, that he would still be with his late wife (LW) if she were still alive. I am not alone in this; it's quite common among women involved with Ws, even those who have married their Ws.

It's an often unintentional consequence of being in love with someone who has lost the love of his life, and the love of this life isn't you.

When you, the widower, finally meet someone you have that connection with following the death of your LW, you naturally want to share all of the good stuff with your new partner, and that good stuff includes happy memories with your LW. That's a natural part of coupling, to be sure, but the effect on your new partner can be heartbreaking. She sees how good things were between you and your LW--which is fantastic and she's happy for you--but you are a different man now following the death of your LW, and you may never be able to experience love in that way again. That means that your new partner will never get to experience that specific kind of joy with you, the kind you shared with your LW and the kind that she knows you were at least once capable of. As a result, your new partner will feel as though she doesn't measure up to the LW because she cannot share that level of joy with you. Never mind that what you're remembering will be filtered through time and your grief and that it necessarily is related in an exaggerated way; your new partner just knows that she can't give you what you had before, and she will always think it's because of some deficiency of hers unless you make her feel otherwise.

1
aprilthrownaway•

Part 2

The women I've talked to who are involved with Ws have mixed feelings about photos of the LW still being displayed. My W has photos of his LW, and they don't bother me as much as other artifacts (more on that in a minute). I understand the need for the photos, especially for the sake of your children. People talk on this forum about shrines, though, and those are a big, big problem for the women who follow the LWs. Think about it: a shrine is something erected for worship. The implication is that the shrine—photos gathered, memorabilia, etc.—is there to show ongoing worship of the LW. Unless a W is making his new partner feel equally adored, his new partner is going to feel completely secondary. There is no way of getting around it. These shrines can also be memorial events, like athletic events in memory of the specific illness your LW experienced, or days set aside to mourn and remember. These are fine, but unless you're setting aside days to celebrate this new woman in your life, to let her know that she is cherished, she is going to feel that pain of being a reasonably acceptable backup even more.

The anniversary dates—the date of your LW's death, the date of your anniversary, of her birthday, of other special days for the two of you—are often devastating for the new women in your life. Many Ws, even those who have remarried, place greater emphasis on honoring the dead than they do celebrating the living. Bear in mind that when you are devoting significant emotional energy to your LW, your new partner is waiting in the wings for you to return to devoting emotional energy to her. Of course, she may not wait at all. She may fly away. Even the most understanding and patient women can feel rejected when you retreat into grief. It's up to you to let your new partner know that she is valued, especially when you are at your lowest yourself. It's a partnership. The woman that follows your LW is not a crutch or a convenience. If you're in a committed relationship, it's up to you to make sure that your new partner knows how much you love her, even when you're going through tough grief-related times. If you're dating more casually, you should still let this woman in your life know that you are not retreating because of her. Ask any woman for patience and understanding. Don't just assume that it'll be given. Don't just assume that the women you're involved with know why you're retreating or hurting. Communicate.

2
ramen-hotep•

Yeppers...The 'shrine' (or 'memory corner') would go (it already has). Again, if I'm not ready to erect a temple to my new love...I'm not ready for her. I mean, how would I feel if the coin was flipped? "Ramen, I'll put your picture over here. Right next to my wedding pictures from my first marriage, my dead husband's bowling trophies, and the sealed glass vial containing a lock of his hair."

"...even those who have remarried, place greater emphasis on honoring the dead than they do celebrating the living."

Jeez...that's tragically unfair for someone to actually do that to a new partner. "She may fly away." Gawd...I hope she would.

Your second paragraph of 'Part 2' is my standard to the letter. I won't even start dating until I can meet every criteria you've stated...and a few more.

3
aprilthrownaway•

Part 3

Know that everything that you experience regarding moving on affects the new woman in your life. Period. The end. Don't think that because your grief is singular that it's not affecting her. Anything from her past that manifests itself in your relationship is going to affect you, so why assume that just because your grief is yours and yours alone that it's not going to color everything the two of you are experiencing?

That having been said, trust that if this new woman is with you, she wants to be with you. Just keep the lines of communication open, and remember that women need words more frequently than men do. Don't think she's being too needy if she asks for reassurances. I guarantee that she needs these reassurances because she's reacting to your unconscious behaviors. If she asks for reassurances, if she expresses misgivings about some things, listen to her and use that to open a dialogue. Don't dismiss what she's feeling because you don't think it's as big a deal as she does or because you don't understand it.

And you don't understand it. At all. Just as she cannot understand your experience (unless she's a widow herself), you have no idea what it's like being with a man who lost the love of his life. Many Ws put it just that way, too, which is very hard for their subsequent partners to hear. You are trying to pick up the pieces of a life that was fractured by loss; your new partner is in shiny, happy love, without having experienced that traumatic loss. Your new partner is newly in love and wanting everything that someone newly in love should expect. Furthermore, she deserves it. You are more complicated than that, in that you are trying to navigate very emotionally tricky waters. She hasn't experienced your past, but you are going to bring that past into her relationship in ways that she has yet to understand, and she will be hurt by this. Guaranteed. You are asking her to love a man who may forever be dealing with the loss of another woman, who forever may be pining for another woman. Think about that really hard. If she chooses to stay with you, she is doing so freely and you must trust that, but you must also be mindful of the price she pays. She can be the strongest, most confident woman in the world, but your new partner's self-esteem is going to take a big hit if you don't make her feel every bit as valued and cherished as she perceives you made your LW feel. She's not an idiot. She knows that love is different every time and that you are different following your experience, but she will feel second best all the time unless you make her feel secure.

Bear in mind, too, that holidays that make you blue—like Christmas, for example, or Mother's Day—may be things that bring joy to your new partner. Don't take her enjoyment away. If you can't participate (which will make her sad, even when she's completely understanding), don't make her feel bad for enjoying what you cannot. The same goes for anything that makes you feel bad that she still enjoys. You shouldn't rob someone else of pleasure simply because you cannot experience that pleasure any longer, and nor should you make someone else feel guilty about experiencing that pleasure.

Back to the artifacts. If you have children this may be unavoidable, but if you do not, box up whatever you want to keep that belonged to your LW and put it away. You can (and will) revisit that stuff on your own time. Don't make a new woman feel unwelcome in your life. My W has things—clothing, jewelry, other personal things—that belonged to his LW in nearly every room of the house. It's not overt and there's not a lot of it, but I see it every time I'm at his place, which is often. I understand his wanting to hold on to these things, but he has no clue how seeing her overcoat in the front closet makes me feel every time I hang up my own coat, and I don't feel that I have the right to tell him because I do not live there. If your new partner had things all over her place that belonged to a particularly well-regarded ex, how would you feel? If something absolutely must be displayed and you're in a committed relationship, talk to your new partner about it.

And never forget for one second that you are, in fact, comparing your new life to your old one and that your new partner will perceive this as a comparison between her and your LW—and guess who comes out on the short end of that one? Most men don't do this on purpose, but when Ws revisit the past (and many do, frequently), they are looking at how their lives were before they were widowed—before their new partners arrived. There's no getting around that there's a comparison being made, even when you're not directly comparing your LW to your new partner. You were a different person before the death of your LW, and you often grieve the loss of that person that you were. This is completely normal and understandable and every women I know involved with a W knows this. It's the lack of their W's self-awareness that just slays the new partners. Many Ws don't seem to realize that their new partners—women that they do, in fact, love and women that they've invited into their lives—are dealing with the men that the Ws are after experiencing the death of their LWs. We women who follow those beloved LWs are in love with men who have not yet fully realized how different they are from the men they were before. We women who follow the LWs don't resent the LWs, but we do understand that we are picking up the pieces of the lives shattered by their departure. It's often something that the Ws we love just don't understand. We certainly don't understand it at first, either. It's not a journey for the weak.

I know this is terribly long and completely one-sided. I know that I'll probably anger some widowers here, and I am genuinely sorry for that. I have enormous respect for each of the widowers (and widows) here trying to cope with a terrible new reality, and my heart goes out to each of you. Just know that if you invite a new partner into your life, you should be her partner and try to understand what she's experiencing. I guarantee that she's doing everything she can to understand what you're going through.

Oh, and one more thing, an observation from having been with my W for nearly two years. When you start to feel again, you won't be able to control exactly what you feel. New love will trigger new grief—and often new guilt. When you open your heart to feeling, you never know what feelings will emerge. And that guilt you feel may be related to your new love—not for trying to move on, but for what you're putting your new partner through. Nip that type of guilt in the bud immediately. Don't feel guilty for anything your new partner may be experiencing. Just communicate with her, love her, cherish her. If she's with you, she's already making a tremendous effort to be with you. She wants to be with you. She understands.

tl;dr Your new partner is going to experience things you cannot understand. If you invite someone into your life, be ready to do so. Don't fear the experience of dating and loving again, but go into it with some self-awareness. And when you do find new love, make her feel every bit as cherished, valued, and loved as she knows you made your late wife feel. And keep those lines of communication open.

edited to add an important word, and to urge you to seek counseling if you need it

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ramen-hotep•

There is never a day that I am unaware that I am not my widower's (W's) first choice, that he would still be with his late wife (LW) if she were still alive.

Many (if not all) of us have been on the receiving end of a one-sided breakup. We were starry-eyed crazy about someone, but it just didn't click for them and they called the relationship off. Few of us subsequently abandon the idea that there was 'somebody' out there for us and stay single because of an unrequited love.

Isn't becoming a widow/widower a similar dynamic? The survivor is the unwilling recipient of a breakup? It seems (to me) somewhat unfair to presume the new love is 'not my widower's first choice'. If a widower/widow has lost his/her 'first choice' then that is saying the deceased spouse was their 'one-and-only'. If so, the widow(er) should have been honest with themselves and never re-entered the dating pool. The new partner shouldn't have to compete with or compare themselves to a phantom.

Okay...just speaking for myself, but if the roles were flipped and I was in a relationship with a widow, I wouldn't stay in it if she had not fully relocated her dead spouse and made me her number one choice.

As a kindness to the women who might find themselves in a relationship with me later, I will not date until I put away ALL of the late wife's pictures/memorabilia and until I can only refer to her in a historical context...just like I did with the unrequited love interests who preceded my late wife. It's only fair. After all, I never even hinted to my late wife that she was not my 'first choice' and that I would not have married her, if not for the fact my 'first choice' dumped me.

I'm saying this, because my emotions after the death of my wife were nearly identical to those I had after I was dumped by a women I absolutely adored. And now, months after my wife's death, I am experiencing the same kind of 'moving on' emotions I had when I started to put the breakup behind me.

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aprilthrownaway•

I really appreciate this perspective. I think, though, that some widows and widowers can't conflate the two scenarios. For many widows and widowers, there is just no comparing losing a spouse to a particularly bad break-up.

Yes, you are the unwilling recipient of a break-up, but ... geez, I can't speak for those who have lost. I'll let those who have do that themselves.

I will tell you that it's quite common for women who become involved with widowers to hear that the late wives were the loves of the widowers' lives. I think it has a lot to do with how we saint the dead--necessarily, to help with the grieving process. I'm not an expert on this, but this is what I've learned through counseling and reading. The love relationship that is lost to death often becomes even further romanticized by the man or woman left behind. It's very common.

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ramen-hotep•

I'm just beginning to think about the possibility of dating and as soon as I imagine how wonderful it may be, I hear the voice of the television series Zen master, "You have not chosen wisely", and the scene shifts...My new partner is drunkenly shrieking obscenities at me from the pizza-stained couch while her (previously undisclosed) fifteen cats circle my ankles...and half of my new extended family pilfers through the medicine cabinet looking for ingredients to make meth...and the other half is soliciting the neighbors to talk about their lord and savior, Cthulhu.

o-O

It's been a few years, but I remember dating as being scary-crazy.

Am I alone in my fears?

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NomisRezleb•

I'm with you. I always hated dating. I remember getting engaged and thinking "thank god I'll never have to date again!"

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ramen-hotep•

You made me belly-laugh, because my wife and I often said the same thing to each other. Thanks.

Until this thread popped up, I was furiously romanticizing about the prospect of dating again and then it dawned on me: "There be crazy people out there." whimper

Do I stay home alone until I fall off the perch, sipping cognac in my pyjamas, and reading Keats? Or do I shout, "Once more into the breach!" and wade into the meat market again.

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NomisRezleb•

I think I was doing the same thing, thinking I'll be a good catch and I'll be more successful dating now than I was in the past. It will be fun! Then I realized there are other people involved and people are crazy.

I'll stick with my whiskey for now.

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ramen-hotep•

Yeah...Keats is looking better and better.

Good luck to you, random internet stranger. Later, I'll hoist my snifter of cognac to your good health.

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TawWidower•

But it's all about attitude! I loved dating. It always went well for me... even when, during the course of a date, I spun out and wrecked my truck into the side of a building.

See, one of two things happened to me. Either I was traditionally successful at wooing and entertaining the woman. Or, if I failed at that, I gained valuable knowledge about myself and the dating process. (With the truck incident, that situation taught me how easy it is for someone to lie to get out of a situation that is uncomfortable to her.)

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blahblahknifefight•

Hey, if it's any consolation I had pretty much similar experience to yo and similar thoughts/feelings, and I can't say I have any concrete answers. I would say avoid getting involved with friends for now, it can get messy. I definitely found dating brand new people to be a good experience just in terms of getting to know different personality types and getting a feel for things I like and don't like in a partner. Just to take it slow and try not to take things too seriously and keep open. Try to learn to be happy alone and figure out your dreams and desires that might be assuming you're alone the rest of your life. This way if dating isn't going well, you'll have a stable base to return to. Good luck out there.

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