Randy Wittman's Road Warriors [OC]

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With the upcoming release of Mad Max: Fury Road the people behind the recent trend of mashing movie trailers with sports footage missed a golden opportunity on Saturday night to capitalise on the phenomenon of Playoff Wittman (Also dubbed the Road Warrior) leading the Washington Wizards to a home victory over the Atlanta Hawks . They could have seamlessly spliced footage throughout the entire game rather than just limiting themselves to half time and game breaks. Who could object to seeing a clip of Mad Max leaping from one speeding post apocalyptic desert truck to another speeding post apocalyptic desert truck inserted into a play that has Otto Porter Jr deliver a one handed slam over a befuddled Hawks team?

There are an incredible amount of parallels between the Washington Wizards and a run of the mill action romp. Much like the generic action hero, Washington seems to be able to take what should be crushing injuries in their stride. While not quite healing gunshot wounds with hastily applied bandages, sprained ligaments and fractured bones have been powerless to stop the march of the Wizards.

Wall’s injury sprung many feelings from fans, mostly sadness and anger, and then amazement as Washington still delivered in game three. There is also a degree of excitement, reminiscent of that for OKC in the preseason when Kevin Durant was ruled out with a Jones fracture and we all thought we’d get to see full Westbrook (Which we did, just later than expected and what a show it was!) Instead of Russell Westbrook this time we’re seeing what Playoff Wittman, Bradley Beal, The Truth and The Ottoman Empire can do. The unleashing of Otto Porter Jr is surpassing expectations thus far. It’ll be exciting to see exactly how far they go and although the Thunder's season didn't end as hoped, Washington's dream is alive and kicking.

As remarked multiple times by the commentators in game three, the Wizards appeared to have stolen the Hawks powers as they spread their offense throughout their lineup with 5 players in double figures, and two just shy of them. No doubt largely due to Wittman’s Plan B on the floor in Wall’s absence. Ramon Sessions is doing a great job as the replacement point guard, but Beal is performing as the primary distributor which is working so far, giving him value even when he’s missing his shots, as he did on Saturday.

Also fitting to the action movie trope would be a montage of whatever Nene did in between games two and three to come up and start hitting field goals, he only scored two free throws in the first two games of the series.

Even ESPN's technical difficulties lent themselves to this concept with a lot of lost commentary on the broadcast, resulting in the birth of Chris "Deepthroat" Broussard. An anonymous source confirms.

It’s delightful seeing Otto Porter Jr, go for those one handed dunks that visibly demoralise the Hawks, but lifts the crowd. Plays like this and an early three led to the crowd's cheers rising and falling with the arc of the ball in each subsequent attempted three, as he missed four of the remaining five.

If the Wizards are one of the best things about this years Playoffs (admittedly having come up against underwhelming and under performing opposition) Paul Pierce is the best thing about the Wizards. He is playing the role of the hardened veteran to a tee. Delivering both on and off the court with buzzer beaters and cheesy/badass lines right at the end. If anyone deserves to have a giant cardboard cutout of their face held aloft in triumph, it’s The Truth.

Although Atlanta are under performing they are still a threat to the Wizards, as we saw in game three as the Hawks cut into the Wizards lead in a clean and efficient fashion in the fourth quarter. Just as the villain in any self respecting action film, they had a trick or two hidden up their sleeve and used their bench to stunning effect sending the Washington crowd into a nervous silence that rivals the static emerging from Bill Simmons’ twitter feed this past weekend.

The Hawks even had a heel, as Jeff Teague sent Bradley Beal flying into the stanchion resulting in ‘Teague Sucks’ chanted as he shot free throws, and one uncomfortably hostile moment when a crowd member threw something (presumably a beverage) in front of the Hawks bench. At which point most people probably realised they didn’t want to lynch the visiting team and just stuck to booing the opposition point guard.

The resurgence was led by Dennis Schröder, the German (come on!) with the blonde streak in his hair (really?). We saw Schröder lead some nameless goons and henchmen on a 17-0 run to tie the game for the Hawks.

Do you know who else has a blond streak in their hair? Toecutter! The villain in the original Mad Max (The same actor is playing the villain in the new one.) The resemblance is uncanny.

Hilariously this game was almost decided late in the fourth by whether the ball hit Schröder's foot or Ramon Sessions’ crotch. A twisted version of Schrödinger's cat would have been a much worse way for a game or action movie to end than Pierce’s buzzer beater.

Behold the Road Warrior and his band of ballers.

I eagerly await the gritty reboot tonight.

TL;DR: Go see Mad Max. Or watch the playoffs.

T.P. Stockton

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