Source
r/beyondthebump•
acline

My neice scares my toddler...

She is well meaning. But I freaking cannot stand her. She is 11, she bugs my kid. He literally runs from her. She always has to be grabbing him, shoving toys in his face, poking him, carrying him around against his will, is so loud I get migraines. I am also 8 weeks pregnant, have hyperemesis, and I fucking hate her right now.

I have to spend the day with her tomorrow. And I seriously do not know how to approach this. Her Dad (my brother in law) won't be there to control her for a couple hours, and my MIL won't say anything cause neice will cry. She cries about everything.

I have rehearsed a little what to say, " Emma, Boden gets very overstimulated sometimes. He is a very independent toddler, who likes to explore and play quietly, usually alone. So unless he comes to us seeking to play or be held, we let him do what makes him happy." She will cry, and be butt hurt, but I don't know how much more nicely or more clearly to say it.

Suggestions?

Posted Jun 10, 2015, 12:50 AM UTC · edited

3414
WWLadyDeadpoolVictory Alexandria 2 months•

Does she have any diagnosed issues? The average 11 year old should have no trouble accepting that. The three year old that was harassing my baby (kindly) today was able to understand that she doesn't need to always be touching/playing with the baby.

edit: But yeah, your plan sounds fine. It's ok for her to have hurt feelings about it, but it's not your job to cater to those at the expense of your kid.

37
aclineOPBoden 4-11-14•

I think she has some issues, not diagnosed, but I just cannot let my kid suffer to spare her feelings regardless.

10
pamplemousse2•

Exactly. Your kid has to be your top priority. Besides, that's not acceptable behavior on your niece's part so in the long run you're helping her too.

5
Digitalwings•

She doesn't necessarily have to have an issue, diagnosed or otherwise. It could be control. She may have gotten her way when she was younger (cry until you get it kind of thing). Which if the parents have continued enforcing that behavior could be why she cries to get her way.

I have a niece that is like this, which makes me the 'bad aunt' for not giving in to her whims and wants. And now that my SIL is pregnant, she's finally seeing that.

4
lillies83•

I think it might be too much and give her something to argue with you about. I would just say, "Emma, leave him alone." If she gets mad or cries, like u/WWLadyDeadpool said, it's not your problem. If she continues, take your LO and leave the room. I've had to do it with adults I didn't want messing with mine. It might sound harsh, but everyone is not going to cater to her and she's got to realize that.

But I do understand what you mean. I have a niece and nephew who love Fishie, which is fantastic, but they can be a little enthusiastic. They will pout when I have to step in when they want to feed him 30 minutes after he ate for example, but I would rather deal with that than let them dictate what goes on with LO.

29
ThisRaviolisTooSpicyEllinore Darby born 8/8/14•

Absolutely agree. She needs to know that she does not control adults with her behavior. Say your peace about him needing playtime on his own and space and then maybe say something like, "but you can go do option A or B instead".

Giving her options lets her feel like she does have some choice while hopefully acknowledging the adults have control. Maybe have some puzzles or games, something engaging to keep her busy and stimulated.

8
magical_realist•

Sounds good to me. Another angle is "respecting other people's bodies" -- it's not okay to touch and grab your classmates when they don't want you to, and it's not okay to do it to Boden either just because he's little. You wouldn't like it if someone much bigger than you kept touching you and getting in your face after you made it clear you weren't enjoying it, and he deserves the same respect.. etc. She might still cry or pout, but frankly... oh well.

19
Stinkycheesemanz•

I think that is a great way to handle it!

3
xboxwidow•

11 is pretty late to still be crying easily. Honestly, let her cry. She has to learn to interact with other humans sometime and walking on eggshells around her won't help. Be polite, be clear, be firm and stand your ground. What you have rehearsed sounds perfect.

7
idgyT•

If it's any consolation I have a ten year old and an almost-two year old, and while my older child is generally considerate of her brother's need for space, we definitely encounter incidents where she exerts her physical dominance and picks him up/carries him when he doesn't want to be messed with. As others have suggested, I approach this by initially explaining that he needs his space. After one or two reminders, I tell her firmly to quit it. At that point she doesn't need further explanation. We also talk a lot about watching for his cues. For example, when he's squirming or fussing it's clear that he wants to be put down or left alone. I think that sometimes, especially older girls, try to be mother hen to younger children. It definitely sounds like this child has some issues with emotional maturity, but I don't think that it's unusual for her to be overly interested in a much younger child. Just remember that if you've tried explaining logically, you are completely within your rights to lay down the law firmly without further explanation.

4
wireddot•

I see everyone agrees, this is not your problem. And being 11 means your niece should be able to accept no for an answer.

Btw shouldn't it be the other way around? You know, the toddler should be the one that refuses to understand and throws fits while the 11 year old wants to be left alone? Somethings wrong here hehe

Love the name Boden!

3
AnnaDaVinciNoelle 11/29/2014•

I think what you have typed up is good. That's what I would do in your situation. Someone has to be firm with her even if she doesn't like it. Hope it turns out okay!

2
I_RunWithScissors•

I think your idea is just fine. Let her know we all need our personal space and that she has to give him some breaks. And if she cries, tough titties. You're the mom, you control what happens to your child.

1
[deleted]•

[deleted]

1
sellyberryboy Sept.2014 #2 January 2016•

When I was in high school we got a new Speech teacher. The first day was seating arrangements and going over her "class rules" and she was super curt, didn't joke or smile, was over-all very strict. She put the Fear in us that first day and was cool as shit the rest of the year. One of my favorite teachers, ever.

So shortly after niece arrives be on the phone arguing with someone, could be about anything, could be about Toddler, but make it clear that you are very angry. Make sure she notices this. Once your "phone call" is over you can question out loud how 'some people just don't understand, I am the mommy and I know what is best' and play her like a cheap fiddle.

0