Source
r/OCPoetry•
theycallmeche

The hero dies in the end

Feedback Received!

He fell and he faltered as he dropped to his knees, and looked to the sky and simply said please

He asked for an hour, a day a year, but soon enough then it all became clear.

His death would be slow, agonizing and long And he could help not but feel that this was all wrong

For he was the hero, this much he knew, was this the reward for the evil he slew.

He thought of his mother, father sister and brother, and realized then he would not soon recover.

He thought no longer of the pain in his chest, all he wanted now was a little bit of rest.

For he had vanquished great evil and slain the great beast perhaps this was his chance at last for peace.

He closed his eyes one final time, and laid there and died without reason or rhyme.

He died without song or church bells to toil, all he had now was a place in the soil.

The tale I have told is hard to comprehend, but as I said at the beginning the hero dies in the end.

Feedback:

https://m.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/3blnae/slow_fall_to_lunacy/#

https://m.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/3blo2o/winters_end/

Posted Jun 30, 2015, 6:29 AM UTC · edited

1412
dreamingofsymphonies•

This was a very good read. It flows very well and creates good imagery. Very sad, very emotional. I enjoyed it. :)

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theycallmecheOP•

Thank you so much :) I wrote it with the mindset of hope deteriorating into sad acceptance. I also thought about the lack of dignity in death for the hero. He simply died, no honor, or dignity, just death.

2
Burbleurbles•

I don't see a lot of you in this poem. It could be a really wonderful abstraction for something that you are feeling, but I think it needs something more concrete to latch on to.

I'm also confused about the third from the last -- it seems that he is dying for a reason, some evil was vanquished, and because of the poem that you wrote he is dying with a rhyme. Maybe the hero believes he is dying without reason, or without anyone singing his song? But I'd like to know more about him, the evil, his family and the specific thoughts he is thinking about them, and also why you are thinking of this hero.

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theycallmecheOP•

Thank you so much for the feedback! I wrote reason or rhyme as a play on the common phrase reason or rhyme to show the randomness of al situation. I think the hero believed himself to be something special but was ultimately brought back to humanity by his mortal wound.

The lack of songs and bells was to signify that despite his deeds, he would ultimately go unremembered. In my mind, he died because that was how it played it out, his belief was his rationalization of the situation and sought more meaning in his death than there actually was.

I really appreciate the questions you are asking me about this poem, what would you like to know about the hero?

Edit: more detailed response.

2
_Exaybachay_•

Wow this is excellent. Love the real nature of it, how it goes against what people are conditioned to believe from mass media. Personal too, as I am sure we all know a hero or a few that died in this way. I like how you use references to time and family, as it is easy to relate to (asking for more time, thinking of family in tough times).

As someone new to this sub, I also find it interesting that I wrote something very similar for a project in school, and your poem was the first one I read. Very good stuff. Seems like your poem contains a somewhat universal/shared concept, and that is another thing that makes me like it. Great work!

2
RobinGayle•

I enjoyed this. It speaks of the deeds of men made futile by Death, and delivered what the title promised.

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[deleted]•

[deleted]

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theycallmecheOP•

Thank you so much for the kind words, they really mean a lot. This is the first time I've shown my work and I'm so glad you enjoyed it. I wrote it with a lot of things in mind and I'm happy you saw some of them.

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justshortofdisaster•

Hey there. Thanks for a poem. I enjoyed the rhythm and flow, which give it a very polished feel. I relate this to the fact in life we can all expect to die in the end, regardless of how much of a hero we may or may not have been. Secondly, the fact that everybody is the hero in their own life. No personal narratives will paint themselves a villain. All our actions make sense and are motivated by "good", we made the choice after all. Essentially every time someone passes away, a hero is gone. Thanks for the inspiration!

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theycallmecheOP•

I feel honored to have inspired you, I never thought I could do that with a poem. I'm just starting on here and I'm glad I could get a positive response from you guys.

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lickemandSTICKem•

I feel like this piece captures the essence of the hero's story. It reminds me of classic tales like Odysseus, or Luke Skywalker. Great job capturing that element.

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theycallmecheOP•

That's so nice of you to say, I tried to capture the sadness of the end of a heros journey with tragic means. Thank you for the kind words

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lickemandSTICKem•

No problem! My only critique is the diction of the poem doesn't match the grand scale of the theme. Again, it's a great poem that effectively captures the feel of a hero's traffic end, but it might possibly add to that effect to add somewhat of a grandiose type of language.

And if you wouldn't mind could you check out my latest submission on here? It's gotten a few upvotes but no feedback. Thanks in advance. And keep writing!

1