My stomach and heart have switched
Each thought of you brings a
swift
jab to where
my stomach once was
They say pain like this
disappears with youth
But each second I get older
and nothing changes
Posted Jul 3, 2015, 10:35 AM UTC
I like the unconventional but smooth rhythm, as well as choice of words and picture it paints in my mind. However, the last sentence with 'nothing changes' i think should have 1 or 3 more sillables in order to flow properly and give the sense of ending, maybe you can express the idea of change more metaphorically. Keep up, nice one!
Thanks, now that you mention it the last line does feel a bit weak. I will be sure to take your advice into account
Gut I like the title a lot
i'm interested to know; what's the rationale behind the line break between 'brings a' and 'swift'? it's sort of oxymoronic in that it delays the swift jab, but i can see it as a kind of graphological jab in itself jolting words off their intended lines.
I guess what I was trying to do was have swift stand out by itself, but also be read quickly (swiftly) after "brings a". Thanks for your feedback.
Good structure, thought all the lines were thoughtfully balanced. Also, enjoyed the synchronicity of saying you felt a jab to where your stomach once was after saying your stomach & switched places, as opposed to a pain in your heart. Seems small, but it's pretty clever and gives your piece a sense of cohesion.
I enjoyed this but wanted a bit more. No complaints other than that, good poem.
I know that feel.
This is really beautiful though. I really like the positioning of the word "swift", it really makes the reader feel the jab you're talking about.
This hits close to home. Keep writing; I enjoyed this.