Source
r/OCPoetry•
Jeduhart7082

Lunch

Feedback Received!

Afternoon writing session, something to help wake the soul.
Spark creativity and authenticity at the intersection of new and the bold.
It's energizing and exciting, as good as any afternoon activity.
It can be done alone or in public where anyone can see.
On the move, sitting still, whatever the movement.
Always can strive for better, plenty of room for improvement. Mastery is the chase to perfection, but never quite getting there. The chase lights the spark that shoots up to become a flare.

I've commented on https://oc.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/3blsuw/my_first_time/ https://oc.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/3boj1g/rush_hour/

Posted Jul 4, 2015, 2:41 AM UTC

16
Yo5yoman2•

Cool hunger imagery, makes me think about when im hungry and the really unnoticed emotions that go with it, Only like qualm is if you go for the internal rhymes of words make the words have a bit more punch. Thats sorta vague but think like a classic limerick where the rhymes are extremely pronounced.

1
Jeduhart7082OP•

Thanks for the feedback! I'm not that familiar with limericks, but I will look them up.

1
Kadesh_LeMorte•

I was in this thing much like the movie Dogpound (check it out, pretty good movie) and lunch was the part of the day I enjoyed most they only gave us 5 minutes to eat though :/

1
Jeduhart7082OP•

The 5 minutes for lunch doesn't sound so good, but I'm sure the movie was!

1
downtownseoul•

the rhythm here is a little jarring, lines have drastically different internal rhythms and lengths, i don't think it's helped by forcing each line to be a complete sentence. let it breathe a little more maybe :)

1
Jeduhart7082OP•

Thanks for the feedback! I'll have to work on the rhythm 9f my future pieces.

1