I don't know if I should be bitter or scared of other people.

Normally I like being lonely, I don't need others. But unfortunately, loneliness fuels depression and makes me seek human interaction. But how should I do that when everyone else on this planet hates me?

I've been banned from so many different websites by now... and I really have no idea why. I mean, I just try to help and be nice, but everyone immediately reacts hostile when I post. It's as if I'm unwelcome everywhere, and I don't understand it.

And when others act like that, it's no surprise I try to defend myself, and then I get banned. Sigh.

I thought socializing over the Internet is the better option because it gives me the needed distance. People scare me. I mean, they're capable of almost anything, how do I know that the guy sitting across of me at the table in the cafe won't be my future rapist? And if anyone is sitting next to me, especially someone strong and muscular... you know what the logical next step is - getting choked to death, of course.

I feel like I should just quit everything and turn off the computer and stare at the walls of my room all day. But I know that's not good for my mental state. Yet, my experiences with other people so far have always, without exception, been negative, so why should I subject myself to more hate? It's obviously I'm not welcome in the world and people just want me to die already so they can throw a party and celebrate that I'm finally gone.

I mean, I've applied for government assistance, and I might get a social worker to help me but - how are they supposed to integrate me into society? I'm not integratable. No one wants to be with me, and I don't want to be with anyone. It's a totally pointless endravor to even think about trying that.

If only I had people I can trust... but I don't even trust my own family, how am I supposed to trust complete strangers?