Stories of a Gimp: Grocery Run (Part I)

Hello everyone! I wanted to share some stories with you all. For some background information:

I am currently living in the South in a place known for bbq, soul music, and the beetus. And we all know which one you came here for!

Ten weeks ago I had experimental hip reconstruction surgery, my options were that or having hip replacement at the ripe age of 22. My hip was basically destroyed between a dirty slide tackle (college soccer) and then two botched surgeries, but that's another story.

If anyone cares to know, I'm almost 5'2" and am 123 pounds, in fairly good shape, I watch what I eat and did non-impact exercise in between original injury and latest surgery. Onward to the beetus.

This one is going to be a two parter, just FYI. I’m happy to say that I have started walking unassisted small distances! This is relevant, I promise. If I am going a larger distance or am having a bad day I will use a cane (crutches if really bad).

Three days ago (Tuesday) I got a phone call from a good friend from back when I went to high school. We lost contact about two and a half years ago when he went to study abroad in college. Met some chick from his college who was also doing the study abroad thing and they had the sexy times. Apparently neither were that careful and she got pregnant. Buddy’s parents are rather old fashioned (and were extremely pissed at him) and next thing you know he had a ring on her finger. There wasn’t much of a wedding or anything.

Buddy: Gravity! How are you?! I heard you moved to Memphis!

Me: Hey! I’m great! Recovering from hip surgery, but really good! It’s great to hear from you! I heard through the grapevine that you got hitched!

Buddy: [laughs] Yeah, married and a kid. I can’t believe all that’s happened these past few years. It’s crazy. Glad you’re recovering well.

We keep talking and catching up and shooting the shit. It was awesome, just like old times.

Buddy: So, me and the wife are taking a little road trip and are gonna be passing through Memphis tomorrow. I was wondering if you wanted to meet up and catch up for the day and hang out?

Me: Sure that would be great! I’m off on Wednesday, Thursdays so that would work perfect!

Buddy: Awesome! Would it be alright if we crashed at your place for that night as well?

Of course there was ulterior motives. I was hesitant. I live in a studio apartment. There a nook where the bed is and I installed a privacy divider so that I had more of a sleep area and a living area. It’s actually a really nice set up. I have a futon too, so there was a second bed. It’s just that it’s a super small apartment. Those two, a toddler, plus myself and a cat would make for rather tight quarters. Also, I hadn’t seen him in years and had never met his wife and kid. Finally, I am still recovering and it would be hard as hell to cater to guests right now.

Me: Ummmm. I have a cat which might not be the best around a toddler….

Buddy: Oh! It’s just me and the wife! The baby is staying with her parents while we’re gone.

Me: Well, it is a studio… So it would be kinda cramped…

Buddy: Its fine! I’ll sleep in the bathtub if need be!

Me (hesitantly): You can stay, I have a futon that the two of you can sleep on… Just do me a favor and keep it PG at night?

Buddy: HaHa! Don’t worry! It’ll be great! We can get hang out just like old times!

Me: Alright, I’ll make dinner that night. You guys want anything in particular?

Buddy: Ah, you know me! I’m easy! I don’t care! But Wife is a vegetarian!

Me: Okay! Sounds good!

We shoot the shit a little bit more before getting off the phone. The first thing I do is go straight to my fridge. There’s alcohol… lots of alcohol. There’s meat… lots of meat. There’s pickles… lots of pickles. And there’s a box of blueberries of questionable age... Definitely going grocery shopping. I grab a piece of paper and make a list of all the things I’m going to need. My brother is a vegetarian, so cooking for a vegetarian is no problem. Then I grab my hand dandy cane, and drive on over to my local grocery store. It’s not super crowded and there are plenty of handicap spots so I nab one. I get out of my car, grab my purse and cane, lock up the car, and make sure I have my list. While I’m doing this someone approaches me from behind. I can hear their heavy footsteps. I turn around and am met with Fat Bastards doppelganger.

Fat Bastard: Hey! That there’s handicap parking!

Me: Yep! And that’s my handicap placard. (I point to the placard hanging around my mirror.)

Fat Bastard: You’re not handicapped!

Me: Well, not mentally…

Fat Bastard: Move your car or I’m gonna get security and tell them you’re parking illegally!

Me: Alrighty.

Fat Bastard: Don’t make me do it! Because I will!

Me: And after I’ve shown them my paperwork I will tell them you’re harassing me.

Fat Bastard: That’s it!

Fat Bastard wanders in to where the security guard is at the front, I unlock my car and sit down and pull out my paperwork showing that I indeed am perfectly legal with my handicap pass. Fat Bastard comes back out a few minutes later with security guard in tow.

Fat Bastard: There she is! Stealing handicap spots!

I smile at the guard. Hand him the placard and the paperwork showing that I legally have the pass and can use it. He looks it over.

Security Guard: It looks good. Sorry to have bothered you mam.

Me: It’s fine. Can you just tell this man to please stop harassing me and leave me alone.

Security guard turns to Fat Bastard and tells him I have every right to the handicap spot and gives him a warning to not bother me.

Fat Bastard: She’s not handicapped though! Just look at her! I don’t see anything wrong with her.

I put everything back in its place and start to make my way to the store. I’m feeling a little devilish so I test my luck by giving Fat Bastard the one fingered salute behind the security guards back.

Fat Bastard: She just gave me the finger!

Before this sentence is even fully out of his mouth I have my cane in one hand and my grocery list in the other and a stoic look on my face. The security guard looks over his shoulder at me and rolls his eyes. Then turns back around to tell Fat Bastard to leave me alone or else he will be escorted off the premises. I victoriously gimp on into the grocery store and grab a cart (I can lean on it while shopping, makes life easier, and I don’t have to ride the scootypuff of shame).

I get all the stuff on my list then go over to the beer isle and buy more beer (can never have enough booze). You’ll never guess who I run into. Fat Bastard! He looks at all the shit in my cart and snears.

Fat Bastard: Think you’re hot shit because you can fool a stupid guard and you’re some vegan bitch?

I put on my crazy smile.

Me: Yes. That’s why I have cheese, and milk, and eggs.

I stare at him and keep smiling until he gets uncomfortable wanders off. The rest of my shopping trip was fairly uneventful; I bought more pickles because just like booze you can never have enough pickles.