I think my best friend's life is ruined and I feel I am at fault.

So shit hit the fan Really hard this past week.

After my phone broke I missed out on some job interviews, Have been out of work for months and have been barely able to pay rent and feed myself. It took several weeks to replace my phone and when I got it I didn't have the option of transferring my old number, I did have a copy of my contacts and so I started from scratch.

Texted and called some friends just to let them know I didn't fall off the earth, told them how down I was on top of everything else and just really missed everyone, etc,etc.

Then I made the mistake of calling my mom. I haven't talked to her in forever, even long before my phone broke. Told her the same thing and then some, after a while she turned the conversation to god, the bible and prayer. I keep trying to tell her that prayer isn't going to fix me or my problems and that I need actual real help. She goes off like most christians would, spouting how god is everything and in everyone and as long as you have god and you're christian you'll be saved.

By this point I'm starting to just get pissed off and tell her how I can no longer have faith in a thing that sees my suffering and suicidal thoughts as "part-of-his-plan" and how this is going to serve its purpose. I hang up in the middle of her rant and text her the things I have been feeling that I just can't say out loud, And in the end she sends me a text message saying:

"Before you go and kill yourself make sure you put me down as the beneficiary of your CD [Certificate of Deposit]."

On a side note I no longer officially work her my cousin as of the day before this.

Now I am at a far lower than I have been since ever and actually have started to take care of things for my suicide 'attempt' and call my friend to come over and get his this from my apartment. He does, but not before telling me to pack some things that will last me for five days.

About my friend. He is 20, in a few days 21, works construction in Seattle, is homeless(he sleeps in his truck) no health insurance, his wallet with his last paycheck was stolen along with his ID and cards.

He had plans to visit Cal to see family and friends at the end of this week[Aug. 1st] and I thought it was a good time to just hang out with a friend before he went off on vacation then, just silently fade away from existence.

I was prepared to sleep passenger side of his truck for the week, and I also had my food card so I can at least feed both of us. But he did something I didn't really question out loud. He got us into an open empty room the construction company was working. He said It was fine and his supervisor knows about it, and I didn't question anything else because he's a good guy.

So the first night hanging out with my friend and we're sleeping on the cold linoleum floor of an empty building. I didn't complain, I fell asleep rather soundly.

The next day he has work, 2 separate sites opposites sides of Seattle, Had to stay in his truck for the second half of his shift cause neither of use were familiar with this part of Downtown area. At the end of the day he tells me we have to find a place for me to be at cause he got in trouble for me being there, so the next day he left me at the Seattle Library. Huge place that can fit my local library in its skylight, on of the better days I've had in a while.

That night though. As we were settling in for the night we heard footsteps approaching, we left a window open and some things on the sill and it was just too late to grab it and close the window. The guy was associated with the church that hired the construction work and just wanted to make sure that markings were still visible for the fixtures and marked properly.

After a brief conversation with the guy, he told us 'no shenanigans' and we promised and said good night. We thought were would be in the clear.

The next day however... He had already dropped me off at the Library again and it wasn't even 3 hours into the day when he come driving up and gets me into his truck.

The owner of the construction company came down and talked to him personally about what he heard going on. How he brought me to a site I had no place being in AND that he(we) had been sleeping in one of the buildings. He was almost in tears, He got canned from his apprenticeship, which if he completed would be making him more than enough money, But he also said he might be facing criminal charges for trespassing, which is a felony charge.

He left me out of it, And I wanted to do something to help him but he wouldn't let me have his bosses number. I feel like shit. Here is my friend who was working his ass off while he's homeless who just got robbed and couldn't feed himself for a week, trying to make me feel better by having me hang out with him and now he's fired with a potential Felony over his head, And he can't even leave for Cali because of it. He planned that trip since the year began.

I start to blame myself because ridiculous shit like this only happens when I'm around, but he says he might have been caught sleeping in the buildings sooner or later, and that his bosses always finds reason to fire him, and now he's going down his spiral of depression and his talk of committing suicide. I told him about my plan to suicide after he left (A horrible mistake I made and realized even as I was saying it), but HE'S STILL trying to comfort me.

I really feel I ruined his life just because I told how I was doing and he drove all the way from Seattle to get me. Now both of has regrets about the week and both of us are apologizing to each other, He's now up in Blaine and I haven't slept since this Thursday. I want to find his Bosses office and try to not get him a criminal record especially a fucking felony charge, but I don't know anything about his work.

I haven't heard from him since and I feel I owe him too much. right now My head hurts and I'm still trying to get things figured out.