Completely lost my self.

A week or two ago I wrote my suicide letter, I emailed it to an account to give to my ex if she would even bother to log in to it in the first place, so she could "handle" my goodbye's considering I can't speak to anyone anymore, even my own mum.

I'm completely socially wrecked - staying in and just trying to sleep all day to keep my self from the "boredom" that drags me deeper into the depression and loneliness probably doesn't help the situation, but it's just feels like a black hole that sucks me in no matter what I try and do.

Every friend that I had left me, which was foreseen by my ex before we broke up over a year and a bit ago now, which leads me to think it is just my personality and I'm not wired to be in this world, and it's my fault.

The day I wrote that suicide letter was gonna be the night I did it and I flaked on it, I don't know why because I know there isn't going to be anything for me in the future, I don't have any life skills or something that makes me feel connected to the world, I'm 19 and have now been unemployed for over 9 months still living under my mums roof with a horrible atmosphere that doesn't help.

I know in the future I won't be able to look after my self and I'll just end up homeless and kill my self on the streets, I figure I should just cut out even more pain before it happens. I'm satisfied with 17 shitty years and and a few good years, why make the former number bigger and leave the latter the same.

I'm hoping soon one night I'll give the account to her and I'll just go ahead and finally end it, because it's felt overdue for a while.