I don't even want to talk about it.

In the past year I graduated college and moved to a new city for work. My depression is the worst it's been in years and my anxiety is out of control as well. I have no one to talk to. My head feels too full of my own thoughts.

I have three roommates. One is my SO, who spends 12+ hours a day at the office, because they feed him and it's just a great place to be, and claims I'm being clingy when I suggest maybe he should come home a little earlier (this is a bad description but it's hard to summarize). The other two are my friends who are dating. They're cool and don't engage in PDA around me, but I feel like I'm third-wheeling them while I'm at home anyways. In my most depressed phases, I try to avoid all three as much as possible. Why? I think because I don't want them to see me depressed, or have to make conversation. I don't want to talk to them about it because they'll feel bad and it has only a small chance of helping me feel better. SO has already told me it's too hard for him to deal with my illness, so I really can't talk to him about it.

In the past year I've felt like running away several times. I think about places I can sit until late at night where no one knows me and I don't have to pretend to be happy to avoid feeling guilty. I've thought about elaborate ways to avoid coming home to my friend-roommates. I've thought about moving out. I thought these urges were just an overwrought way to show my SO my unhappiness, but after reading the thread about homesickness I wonder if that's really it--that I want to escape to some sort of idealized true home that doesn't exist. It's part of why I moved out here, thinking this might be the home I needed.

I have a few friends and a family member in the general area, but they have jobs and separate lives and coming to visit me is difficult for them. And I don't drive. My other friends live in other parts of the country.

My desk job incentivizes working alone (not as a policy, but just by the nature of the work). I don't really talk to my coworkers, partly due to this and partly due to a few incidents when I was first hired concerning professionalism which make me scared to do anything that might seem out of line. I don't think my company is actually that evil, but I don't want to find out for sure since if I lose this job it's probably game over for me (I applied to dozens after college and only this one even bothered to contact me). So, during the week I spend most of my time alone, whether at work or at home, with only my own thoughts, which for some time now have been unbearable.

Anyways, I don't even know why I'm posting and not even on a throwaway. I'm dreading the comments and PMs, because I'm expected to respond to the nice people who just want to help.

I'm seeing a psychiatrist in a week. I'm dreading having to retell all the long years of being sad for no reason. I was emotionally fine in college without a therapist or medication because I was surrounded by friends, but life is much different now.