Nobody has any interest in me in any way at all. As a person, I believe in my value, but nobody treats me with value.

Background: I live in a big city in the US. It is not my home. I moved here two years ago. Emma is someone I dated this year, fake name, who treated me right, but decided we were incompatible. She was extremely kind and loving in telling me this, and bless her heart. It saddened me a lot when she ended things, but full appreciation to her. For everyone else, I did not feel the respect I deserved.

Main post:

I just can't bear this anymore. I feel so unvalued, unappreciated, unwanted by everyone in almost every sense that I deal with other people. I feel people don't make an effort to hang out with me, don't make an effort to even put me in their schedule, don't respond to me on tinder (which I downloaded just two weeks ago due to feeling lonely, it didn't help), don't respond to me by phone, don't turn up to dates or flake out on me by announcing the morning of that they've arranged something else or they can't come or something. I feel everyone is hanging out without me, everyone has something every night, and I have absolutely nothing to do any night except things by myself. I feel everyone else has this weird mix of spontaneous and schedules, where everyone is always booked for X day, but when I say "what day's good for you next week" they will always let me know. That is, they're probably holding out on those time slots for when they can very easily fill them with tons of opportunities to hang out with people who aren't me.

Whenever I do anything to focus away from my crippling loneliness I feel OK. I really like playing video games (thank god for them or I'd probably be gone by now), and have many silly things in my own head. I like hanging out in my apartment eating a ton of delicious luxurious food for so cheap... cherries for $3 a pound are just unbelievable. But whenever I take a look at how I don't really have any friends, and even among my so-called-friends, how none of them ever reach out to me, how it's always me to them, I just feel utterly unappreciated.

I feel unappreciated and unwanted and unpursued in every possible way in every possible sort of human to human connection. Whether it's a serious exclusive romantic relationship, a serious non-exclusive romance, a shorter term more casual sexual relationship, a largely sexual relationship, a close emotional friendship, a pleasant friendship based on shared interest, a nice friendship based on matching personalities, or just... any sort of bond, I feel like I'm a person of great value. What exactly I want is... just anything, desperation for an end to nobody giving a fuck whether I live or die (seriously, why does nobody in this city ever reach out to me to check if I'm even alive, and then they sometimes vanish off the face of the earth in ways that, if I weren't so accustomed to such mistreatment, I would literally wonder whether they had not suddenly died in an accident).

In my honest opinion, while nobody has an innate entitled right to any sort of bond with any other person (because an entitlement would command others to do certain things), we all deserve whichever of these bonds we desire. Succinctly speaking, we all deserve love, friendship and sex (at least the ones of these we yearn for; a few people, such as asexual people, do not desire any or all of them). While not inalienable, to be a valuable person without these feels sad. I'm very different from what I was as a teenager, or even what I was like 6 months ago. To be a kind, empathetic, gentle person who tries to live by the golden rule; to be someone who has lots of interests, who should be fun to hang out with; to be someone who is sex-positive but extremely mindful of enthusiastic consent, who is entirely secure if a particular person X doesn't click with me on a friendship or romantic or sexual way or maybe likes me but doesn't want to do Z but that's OK and doesn't reflect on me, because X is different to Me and empathy is owed to X and an understanding that whatever X wants is OK too; to be like this and constantly mistreated and denied basic decency over and over again is really sad :(. I don't care if Bob or Beth down the street doesn't want to be friends or date, and I don't care if they do want to date but need to go slow in any emotional or physical or even practical sort of way (can't meet more than once a fortnight). People are different and entitled to their differences and I can happily accept those terms or not accept them "sure Beth that's fine with me" or "sorry Beth, but this presents an incompatibility with me, so we should respectfully part ways." But I do care when I'm constantly lied to, disrespected, have my time unvalued... and when Bob and Beth is everyone, and nobody gives a crap. It would be most respectful of Beth to part ways kindly with me, as Emma did, the only person who has treated me well this year. What she did was showed she cared about me, valued me. Didn't lie or not bother to type "fuck off" 7 letters total into some sort of text bar. Even that would assign me more value than has been assigned to me by so many people who just don't care.

But yeah, moving away from dating to other things, nobody cares. Noone cares one bit. I'm clever and silly and secure and interesting; I'm respectful and kind and really care about empathy and accept people's differences and try to make people happy; I volunteer for a great cause which everyone can get behind; in less important things I even have a nice job and I even have a great haircut at the moment, totally fixed my skin (it's honestly perfect) and dress very well and have a very popular accent in the US. People call me handsome, a catch, and in the dating world, people that I talk to really appreciate my focus on principles of gentleness, empathy, communication, honesty, and personal security if someone else doesn't want Y. I go out lots, I find it very easy to talk to new people, and establish a legitimate interest in something about them, not a pickup artist sort of way, but a legitimate conversational connection with new people everywhere.

But yet nobody befriends me. Nobody hits on me. Nobody messages me on tinder nor do my existing so-called friends hit me up on text. Nobody invites me to things. I have wide interests, I come up with great unique things to do with friends or dates, but I never feel anything is reciprocated at all. The only people who pursue me, who say they want to hang out with me, who want to visit, who miss me, who love me, are my family. Nobody else. I don't mean to blame or criticize my wonderful friends who live in other countries at all. There are a ton of reasons why that's apples and oranges. For a start, it is I who am not so great with keeping contact with people in other countries. So that blame is on me. But even after that, I understand it's too far, etc. This is partially why I'm not so great with keeping that much regular contact long distance because there's less of a point. But here in the US, I do have a functioning phone number, I do have lots of fun things that I do and would like to do with people, I'm pleasant and outgoing and willing to meet and do whatever.

The saddest thing is, I'm sure people will assume I'm down in the dumps or bitter or depressed all day at the moment. If you could be here now, I'm not like that at all. I'm still talkative and pleasant and silly and love to smile. I really enjoy meeting people, getting to know them, and learning what it is about them is really cool - I always find something which is cool to me.

Loneliness and depression certainly are affecting me. Right now I'm quite addicted to reading sales pages on reddit and buying clothes. Fortunately for my wallet I'm a shameless returner (I take pretty much everything back). Dad (on viber) said it sounded like my newfound spending patterns are a serious depression sign... I don't feel depressed except when I think about stuff like how nobody messages me, then I am reduced to tears.

TLDR: I am valuable and desirable in a whole bunch of different ways in which humans bond with each other, but I don't feel desired or valued at all.