TIFU by igniting my butthole on fire

I often trim and shave my pubes, but as many of you know, it usually leaves a bloody mess down there. So, lately I started cleansing the hair with fire.
The first few times I only set my stomach hair on fire with a lighter. That is how I discovered that hair burns. I didn't even feel it. The hair burns pretty quickly and goes off before it touches the skin. I found this procedure to be very effective. Instead of spending hours in a blood bath, I could now effectively remove the hair in under 5 minutes.
Today, I decided to go a bit deeper. I lifted my balls in my left hand and approached with my lighter right hand near the rainforest below. It didn't come to mind that fire burns upwards pretty fast. I ignited and the next thing I saw were fireworks. I haven't experienced such pain before. I think I heard the walls scream as they turned yellow from my spectacular lightshow. It's worse than a bone fracture. It's worse than a tooth pain. I rushed to my bath as fast as I could. I was ablaze for around 10 seconds, but that was an eternity for me.
I am now laying in a hospital bed with burns on my ass, crotch and legs. They are really red and I assume bubbles will appear soon. It still hurts like hell. I can hear even now how everyone outside my hospital door is laughing and making jokes - friends, family, doctors, everyone. It seems this will haunt me for a long time. So folks, stay away from fire! Please do not try this, ever!

TL;DR A dragon sniffed my balls and butt.