Feeling very depressed after moving to a new house.

To start off I'd like to say depression is something I've struggled with for a while now. Ever since I was a kid I always had problems with being overly sensitive or working myself up even when I know something isn't a big deal. My father was not in the picture at all, he tried to murder my mother and a few other family members when I was still a baby. He went to prison and I have never met him even after he got out. My mother went through various physically and verbally abusive relationships with several boyfriends and a 10 year marriage. The marriage ended because she was abusing crack cocaine and has since (thankfully) been in recovery.

They say moving is probably one of the most stressful things that people do, they aren't wrong. Here's the current story. I am a 32 year old male living with my girlfriend of 8 years and we have been living together for approximately 2 years. We found a new home on Long Island which is beautiful and was well maintained by the previous owners who were a very nice married couple with two kids. The area is very nice but also very rural which I am not accustomed to. There are a few local shops but many of the big chain stores are a few towns over whereas our previous area had plenty of stuff around us.

By now you are probably thinking "Wow, that sounds pretty great. Why the hell is this person so depressed?" Well ever since I moved into this place last week I have been a big ball of anxiety and stress almost constantly. The place, while really nice has a lot more in terms of upkeep and work that needs to go into it. For example we now have a huge inground pool that I have absolutely zero experience taking care of. On top of that we have yet to put the old house on the market which means as of now she is paying for taxes on two homes. We have a lot to fix on the old house before it is ready to sell and even then it might not be sold for a long time. Whenever we go back to the old home to take care of stuff I start to cry because I was so comfortable and accustomed to that place.

The other big thing that is bothering me is my current job. I have been working the same job for 9 years and am making very little money doing it. Not minimum wage per say but most certainly not enough to afford to live on my own. Before my move I let my manager know my situation and asked for a raise since my move made my commute much longer and my cost of living was going up. I didn't hear anything for a few weeks so after I moved I decided to bring it up once more. I was told it was not a good time for the company and that I could not get a raise. I am embarrassed to admit I actually broke down into tears in front of my manager after hearing the news. I have since been unable to focus and my job performance has suffered a bit. I dread going into work and feel this pit in my stomach thinking about waking up early to commute.

My girlfriend has been egging me on to leave without a single week's notice and saying she will support me financially since she needs help with the two homes. She is very well off and definitely has enough money coming in to make that happen. She does not drive which means I am her main source of transportation any time we need to take care of stuff/run errands. I am just worried that one day she will get sick of me with my issues and I will be jobless, unemployed for too long, and unable to survive on my own or make ends meet. I was mentally preparing myself to quit but after breaking down in front of my boss he advised me not to saying I needed to look out for myself.

I feel completely lost in my adult life with no direction to turn and nobody who understands why I feel this way. I see my friends success and it makes me feel like I am a pathetic loser. Whenever I search for jobs I always find stuff I am under qualified for or get contacted by shady companies who want me to telemarket their product and live off commission.

My girlfriend was just fighting with me as I was typing this out saying I need to figure out what's wrong and she is having trouble dealing with how I have been acting this past week. She has been under a lot of stress as well which is understandable but I feel like no matter how I explain it I am just making a mountain out of a molehill. My emotions have been running amok and it might just be easier to quit my job and take my time looking for something better/closer.

I have recently been having feelings about wanting my life to be over. Not suicide, just feeling like I want to die. Not having to worry about all these things that could happen almost gives me a feeling of relief. I used to cut myself back when my mother had just about hit bottom with her drug addiction and I haven't felt this bad since then. I was on Zoloft but I don't feel like it did much for me. I am not sure if I should seek professional help but would have problems affording it anyway even with my current health insurance at work. Any decision I make feels like it could be the wrong one and it could potentially ruin my life.

Thanks for taking the time to let me vent and listening to my story.