The Things I'll Do For Diabolical Sabotage Part 2

The Things I'll Do For Diabolical Sabotage Part 2

So let me explain the significance of there not being salad at a 4th of July party at my parents' shore house: it's never happened before. Not in 47 years of my life.

My mother has an iron-clad control over the food she eats, and has maintained a size 2 for decades. I have watched hwo she does it for years. When they entertain, which is often, there are ALWAYS diet-friendly options built subtly into the menu. 4th of July always, always, always means ears of corn, at least 2 different kinds of salads ( a green salad and a pasta salad or a grain/legume salad), and baked beans as well as a grilled chicken option (not BBQ - grilled) plus whatever burgers, hot dogs and possibly kebabs she might decide she also wants. My parents like their cocktails and appetizers, so those things usually flow freely, but there are always friendly options for a Size 2 to daintily nibble to offset the alcohol so she can maintain her composure. Always. Fabulous fruit platters piled high with ripe juicy jewel-like produce at the peak of summer freshness; bouquets of veggie skewers with hummus or fat-free onion dip; black and lemony-green olive tapenades with artisan breads; baked brie in pastry that's filled with raspberries, surrounded by green and yellow apple slices and more berries... Italian antipasto trays piled with cheeses and gourmet meats, but also olives and roasted red peppers. While others may nosh on the high-calorie, high-carb stuff, anyone watching out can make a full meal and completely relax at the party with diet-friendly options.

Until now.

Madame Gremlin's pre-main-meal offerings were: cheesesteak dip (mine), a cream-cheese-bacon cold dip my dad made, buffalo chicken dip with corn chips, bowls of mixed nuts, different appetizers my cousins brought with them involving lots of bacon... and the oldest, saddest, most pathetic, dried out, Charlie-Brown-Christmas-Tree veggie platter from the grocery store with horrid pink sour cream dressing dip, No lie, I think they bought this two weeks earlier no way made by the gourmet grocery store they got the rest of the food from.

The main meal consisted of a mountain of BBQ Baby Back Ribs, FRIED chicken (I have never once seen a piece of fried chicken at my parent's shore house in 30 years before this past weekend), deviled eggs, potato salad, hamburgers and hot dogs, and the only vegetables were a single platter of sliced tomatoes, onions, pickles, and lettuce leaves for topping the burgers... small enough so that with the number of people, there was no way of "making" a salad out of it without obviously leaving other people with no toppings.

There was no corn, there were no other salads, there were no baked beans, nothing remotely "diet-friendly".

Then my mother, once I'm seated with my food, plants herself on the chair directly to my left, and my aunt directly on my right. I had wondered why they'd decided to stay back at the house when we'd all gone out on Dad's boat for a ride earlier - ahh, the plot thickens. I had taken a fried chicken wing and a few ribs, plus a couple slices of tomato on my plate. My mother had a single fried chicken breast and nothing else. Suddenly, my dad comes around (my dad is old-school, he's never served food, drinks yes, never food) with the platter of deviled eggs, and offers it to everyone, me twice. I decline twice, reminding him I hate hard boiled eggs (it's the texture of the whites - shudder) then a few minutes later, he's offering a bathtub of creamy potato salad and starts ladling scoops on everyone's plates, I politely allow 1 scoop, then stand to go back to the buffet to get salt & pepper - before he can add more to mine than he added to others (he was reaching for more to spoon up).

When I sit back down, my aunt, who's a nurse, turns the conversation to gastric bypass surgery. OMG. Favorite Aunt? Gremlin flying monkey, minion of the Queen Gremlin.