Depression and it's effects on gaming

Depression and its* (sorry) effects on gaming. (Perhaps someone with authority could edit the title?)

Edit: I feel the need to update to update this for those that evidently don't read the whole post... I am in no way looking for sympathy or even help really. Most people have misconstrued this thread as I don't think I articulated my point well enough originally. I just want to hear from other people that have this particular issue where they suddenly lose coordination completely and their cognitive functions go to shit, not general depression. I appreciate all the advice on how to feel better/improve etc. but I'm well versed in that area and whats-more I'm currently feeling fine. Cheers.

I am extremely interested to hear accounts of others who suffer the unfortunate curse of depression and the effects it has on their gaming ability.

Firstly, I'll explain my situation and if you can relate then I'd like to hear from you...

For about a decade now I have been gaming competitively. Admittedly nine of those years were spent with an xbox controller in my hand but lets not dwell on that. About four or so months ago I purchased myself a PC and made the move to Counter Strike and whilst I find the game refreshing I continue to experience the same personal issues whilst playing which have led me to consider hanging up the controller/mouse for good on countless occasions and thus I come to you to see if any further light can be shed on this topic.

I believe myself to have the potential to be quite talented at video games. During my time playing Call of Duty competitively on the xbox I was able to mix it with the best of them from time to time. At this point I should point out that whilst the majority of this sub-reddit will dismiss this "achievement" due to the disdain towards the game, at the very top level of the game there is undoubtedly an obvious skill gap which few manage to breach. To perhaps give me some credibility in this forum - it's taken me three months to reach the brink of Global Elite and whilst I realise that's nothing to shout about, I've never previously used a mouse and keyboard to play games in my life (foolishly, I know). I certainly don't intend to boast, I just want to provide some perspective on how far my gaming ability can swing.

As I said however, I could only play at these high levels intermittently and would soon find myself going from playing at Global Elite level to a lowly Silver (metaphorically), to use CSGO terms. Initially I attributed this simply to me being an inconsistent performer and continued to play through the bad patches, frustrating myself intensely in the process as I knew I was able to play far better, yet for some reason I couldn't. These "patches" would start seemingly overnight, would often last for weeks and utterly derailed any aspirations I had of playing for a top (pro) team. Ever since I began gaming I have noticed the same thing happen to me. I have only come to the realisation that this is most likely a result of depression in the last few years (although I have still not ruled out other possible causes).

It's difficult to describe exactly what happens but in short, it's as if my cognitive functions have shut down. I go from having the ability to aim with a relatively high level of precision (on all fps shooters) I am reduced to swinging my crosshair about unable to trace the easiest of targets. From being extremely situationally aware and consistently triumphing in clutch situations, I find myself not knowing where anyone is on the map to the extent where an opponent could walk in front of me and I'd mistake them for a teammate. Furthermore, it becomes uncomfortable to hold the mouse (or controller) and I'll find myself pressing the buttons on my keyboard much harder than I usually would, sometimes causing pain, as well as clumsily pressing the wrong buttons. I become a free kill and there is zero point in me playing the game. Anyone watching a demo of me playing when I consider myself to be normal and comparing it to a demo of me playing during a "bad patch" would think they are watching a completely different player. This can last for weeks and due to my love of gaming I find myself attempting to play through it, during which time I only serve to make myself angry at my inability to do things I found so simple just a week prior. I have come to realise that the best way to get past these episodes is to stop playing completely, go about normal life and hope that when I start playing again I'm back to normal. I am yet to find a consistent method of overriding the bad patches (without resorting to medication).

As I have previously mentioned, I now attribute this to depression as it often coincides with times when I feel particularly low. Whilst I was studying at university I noticed that the periods when I was incapable of gaming were also the periods where I found it impossible to read or write freely due as I would lose focus and concentration rapidly. I also notice that I generally feel more clumsy during these times. Furthermore, I have noticed that when taking certain anti-depressants consistently, which I am currently, I seem to be more consistent in my ability to play video games. These meds often have negative side effects and ideally I'd like to avoid them but at this stage it would appear that if I desire to keep enjoying playing games then I should stick to the medication (obviously there are plenty of other factors in this decision but I don't want to go into that).

I have done plenty of independent research on the effects of depression and whilst there is some coverage on how it reduces focus, concentration and coordination, there isn't much gaming specific. I find it impossible to believe that I am alone in experiencing what I do and would be extremely intrigued to hear other peoples accounts even if they only have vague similarities. Does anyone have the same symptoms? Does anyone attribute it to something other than depression? Anyone have any advice?

To anyone saying 'it's all in your head,' fuuuuu

TLDR; I lose the ability to play video games overnight and attribute it to depression. Can anyone relate?