Does anyone else feel constantly held back/suffocated by their past?

This is sort of hard to describe.

I had quite a bad time starting from year 7 (start of high school). My parents had a terrible, litigous, long, expensive, violent, divorce, which ended with no constant between my dad and I (he's since moved and has a new family). My mum has always provided me with everything I need, and does love me, but unfortunately she's an alcoholic and I find it very hard to be around her in that state.

I started at a new high school where I didn't know anyone while my parents were separating, and because of that, became very shy. I was bullied etc. and ended up moving schools. I never really settled in in high school - I developed quite bad anxiety (I didn't visit a shopping centre for something like two years because I would have panic attacks from large crowds) and I guess depression (not diagnosed - I hated therapist visits, I had a few that were court-ordered - but I cried myself to sleep nearly every day and simply hated myself). My weight fluctuated +-20kg (I'm a short girl) from emotional eating. I skipped school constantly because of anxiety. Basically I never made any friends.

Somehow my life turned out alright. Towards the end of high school I moved again and went a lot more consistently. I was always in the advanced classes and academically 'gifted' I suppose, so catching up was no problem. I became a bit more confident. I started university, lost a bit more weight, and all of a sudden boys became attracted to me. I made a lot of friends, did very well in uni, got a prestigious job at 20, became a generally outgoing, talkative person, who loves going to the gym and bike riding, confidently teaches university classes, and seem to be a person people want to talk to at least at first. I'm proud of my accomplishments and the ages 12-16 seem like another lifetime ago.

The thing is, I have absolutely no close relationships in my life. I have 'friends', but no one who I could just call up and talk about how I'm feeling, or just simply hang out with. No one who wants to just hang out with me cos they haven't seen me in a while or something. Nothing like that. I had a 21st, but I really had no one to give a speech or anything - I don't even have any family aside from a few cousins I can count on one hand. It sucks. There's no one that will always support you, that you can always count on, that you can tell anything to.

Part of the problem I think is I struggle so much to make friends with girls. For some reason, I just feel incredibly awkward around other girls, I don't find any girls who get me. I have a lot of guy friends, some quite close, but the fact I'm a girl means I'm still left out at the end of the day. I feel like high school was probably some kind of 'formative' time for making girl friends, and I feel like I've missed my chance for that. I just can't see myself ever acquiring close friends, because somehow I just kinda missed the learning experience. It's not even that girls don't want to be friends with me - I come across as someone people want to be friends with, but holding a normal conversation that doesn't seem fake or boring seems impossible.

This has been longwinded, but I wanted to know if anyone feels similar. Like they're held back in a way from previous experiences - I guess I'm just not confident I'll ever feel normal, I feel like I just simply can't interact normally with people.