Confession of a stupid, lonely man

I’m stupid. I’m stupid, arrogant, childish, immature, sometimes as complex as a psychopath, and sometimes plainly naïve. I’m generally too negative about the future, except in some ethereal moments when nothing can stop me from being positive about stuff, positive to a degree of being almost optimistic about life and myself. I’m a liar. I’ve lied to every person that I’ve met in my life. I’ve lied for many reasons. Sometimes for no reason. Sometime just for the thrill of it, the thrill of leading a double life. I’ve lied to save myself, and I’ve lied to destroy myself, and destroy those who are around me. I’m not a good friend. I’m not a good son, not a good brother, not a good grandson, and sometimes, not a good person. There are moments when I hate myself so passionately that I want not live anymore. In between that, are moments when I love everything about myself, and find my life to be too short to be me. I’m not good at studies. I’m strictly above average when it comes to marks, and I don’t know shit about whatever I’ve learnt in my life. Whatever I do remember I use to show off in front of people, and try my level best to show how much better I am than them. Inside, I know I’m worse than the worst guy I’ve met. I don’t have a girlfriend. I didn’t used to, because I was fat ugly slob who weighed over 200 pounds. I don’t have one now, simply because I cant talk to girls, and when I do, I embarrass myself, and I embarrass those who are around me. I lied to myself throughout school, telling myself I’ll have a girlfriend in college. And I lied to everyone else in college, about having a girlfriend at home. I lied to the point of faking a call from my supposed girl for four whole years. And when I finally met a girl in front of whom I could talk, she made fun of me (behind my back), and took advantage of me to pay for her, and work for her. Cant say I didn’t deserve it. I’ve made countless mistakes in my life. And although at the point I had the justification for each and every one of them, now I cant justify one. There is no justification for who I am, what I’ve done. Except when I see around myself, I find a part of me in everyone else. Everywhere, everyone I look at is being depressed, jealous, damaged, damaging, stupid, vengeful, and angry. Everyone is lying, cheating, faking, possessing hubris, avarice, frustration, grief, bitterness. I see hate in eyes of lovers, and unfulfilling, unrequited love in the eyes of loners. Maybe this is what we all are. Or maybe I’m just a sad cold hearted negative individual that doesn’t deserve to live. But who will. At the expense of people around him. Just like the rest of everybody around him. I’m stupid. Maybe an asshole. But I’m one of you.