I might be trans

I'm scared, I don't want this, I should be the perfect (read: seriously fucked up in the head from all the depression and suicidal instincts/attempts, but perfect as in cisgender) younger brother of the family. I have dreams of it, though. Dreams of walking around in beautiful heels and a gorgeous scarlet dress, gold bracelets and a beaming smile. Looking up from my table at a book signing thing in some random town in New England at some random patron of my works with a huge ass smile on my face, auburn curls framing my face and horn rimmed glasses perfectly. Dreams of dancing at my wedding as a bride with a dashing husband's hands around my waist, a purple gown accentuating my elegant figure.

But, I'm male. My body is incredibly masculine; I could look like a bodybuilder if I wanted to, all of the men in my family is jealous of my body hair (they're all smooth chests and I look like a fucking gorilla), my voice is a baritone, and my head is as square as a brick, I'm broad enough to need to walk sideways to get through gaps in cars in parking lots. I don't have the body of a woman at all.

I don't want this. I feel like a disappointment. I'm hoping this is just a phase. I don't know. I'm scared shitless. I would never be accepted by the trans community. I plan on keeping this a secret from everyone outside a select few that I truly trust. I just needed to vent. I'm sorry.