22 [m4r] the internet - Would love someone to talk to, but if no one reads this then at least I got to vent.

This is probably going to be long and I might ramble. Doubt there will be a tl;dr so either read or move on. I also have a tendency to curse a lot so if that offends you I apologize.

If you PM me or comment I will talk to you, unless you're rude. I'm pretty nice and I like to help other people feel better about themselves, so if you are having some personal problems or just wanna chat on all ears.

Here we go. I just graduated college. This would be a high point in most people's life, but I've never regretted anything more. I'm 20k in debt and qualified to do little more than bag groceries. I wanted to drop out and study music halfway through but my parents wouldn't let me..

As I'm writing this, I'm realizing how fucking pathetic it all sounds in my head, and how much I sound like a whiny child. I just feel super lost right now and despite having plenty of people around me, I feel very lonely. I haven't felt this way in a long time, and all I really want is someone to talk to, even a stranger on the internet pretending to care.

I'm really not depressed, at least, I don't think I am. I have a family who loves me (suffocatingly), a gorgeous girlfriend, and a wide open path of a future in front of me, but im rarely truly happy and I don't know why.

I know happiness, and I know depression. I know hate and hurt, and I think I know love, but can you ever really be sure? My parents have always had an awful relationship. They fight constantly, and I don't think I've ever seen them kiss. Many kids of divorced parents feel like its their fault their parents split up, but I feel like its my fault that they've stayed together. I vividly remember roughly ten years ago when I started questioning my parents happiness together. I remember on several occasions when it was just me and my father, he would ask me if I thought they should get a divorce.

Let that sink in.

Maybe I'm being dramatic, but that's a pretty heavy question to ask your barely teenage child.

Anyways, fast forward back to today, and I have no idea what love looks like. I didn't grow up seeing it anywhere but in the movies. You could say my parents loved me but as I stated before, their love is suffocating love, and they are terrible helicopter parents. But I digress...

My point was that if I know what love is, then I definitely love my girlfriend. I've never said I love you to anyone but her, but I'm not sure I know what love is. Growing up, I never believed in monogamy. Perhaps my parents had some Influence here, but I just never saw it as a feasible or attractive option for me. I'm not suggesting that I want to cheat on my girlfriend, I've never cheated on a girl before in my life, but I do feel suffocated by this relationship sometimes, and I feel guilty about that.

We've talked about it before, and we both agree that we want to do sexual things with other people someday. M/F threesomes, foursome with another couple, picking up a stranger at a bar together, even my own bicuriosity, she's cool with all of it. So why do I still feel so guilty? Maybe I'm just impatient.

When i was younger, I always fantasized about having an open relationship one day. The girl I was involved with before my current girlfriend was the closest I think I got. We were just fuck buddies, but we called each other lovers and it was much more passionate than normal hookups (that's not including my current girlfriend). We weren't in a relationship, I didn't love her, and we were free to see other people, though I think she developed feelings for me towards the end. I still think about her sometimes and wonder what life would be like if I had stuck with that path instead of committing to a relationship.... She has a boyfriend now and, though I haven't talked to her in over a year, I hope she's happy. She deserves that.

My future is very up in the air right now, and its driving me crazy. I'm currently living at home and my girlfriend is loving with her parents several hours away. This is all driving me even more crazy. I have a lot of paths open to me, but I have no idea which one is the right one to take, and all of my mixed emotions in my head make me feel like I have nobody to talk to.

Do you ever step back and evaluate your life and come to the realization that you don't really have any true friends? I hope you don't, but that's how I feel. For instance, I was supposed to move across the country a month ago (I didn't end up going) and my best friend hasn't even texted me since, not even to ask how the move went, nothing. And he was the friend I thought I was closest to.

All this brings me to my overwhelming feeling of loneliness. I talk about a lot of things with my girlfriend, but there's even more that I can't because I don't think she'd understand. I don't have a repulsive personality, and I'm a fairly attractive/athletic guy, but I'm a mess inside sometimes. I make friends easily, but they're pretty much always fake friends in the end. I admit I do have trouble trusting people too. I'm not very good with emotions.

If you've read this far and found that you can relate to anything that I've said, please don't be afraid to reach out to me. We can talk about my life, your life, hopes, dreams, desires, fears, fantasies, whatever. I'd really just like a friend :/