The Asshole Right-Wing Conservative Plague

There is a theory that the virus began its existance in the primordial murk of post WWII America, an era steeped in a rich gruel of Communist hysteria, segregation and a strange species of cheerful, Gee-Whiz-Ain't-It-Fun-to-Hate-Stuff camaraderie. It bloomed across the Heartland and swept North America by storm. Many people suffered from the virus - grandmothers, doctors, preachers and teachers, no demographic was safe from the horrible disease.

Others opine that the virus has existed for much, much longer than that - these experts claim that the single-cell organism Conserva DickHeadia has been around since prehistory, and in all likelihood Conserva (also known as Loud Bitter Baby Boomer Disorder, or LB3 Disorder) has existed since the first stone-age man decided that his religion was way better and bonked all of his rival prophets in the head with a large stick. Either way, LB3 Disorder is a very serious, very widespread illness that effects over a billion people across the world.

There was a brief time in the Sixties when it seemed that LB3 Disorder was on the decrease, probably due to rising awareness of societal ills, social change and the advent of free love, which made people a lot happier and a lot less shitty in general. Unfortunately, this brief retreat didn't last; by the early Eighties, LB3 was on the rise again, largely spread by Ronald Reagan and his followers, known at that time as Yuppies (today, those infected by LB3 are often referred to as Republicans or Conservatives.) These days, this illness spreads mostly via Facebook and right-wing leaning faux news programs.

LB3 Disorder is characterized by the following symptoms:

1. A sudden desire to constantly watch/listen to shrill, fear-mongering media

2. Intense hatred of anyone who dares to be in less fortunate socioeconomic circumstances

3. A complete inability to feel empathy for anyone who is not the infected or people who closely resemble them

4. Creepy insistence on controlling women and dictating what they can or cannot do. Female sufferers of LB3 seem to adopt a strange indifference to this treatment. Further study is required to understand why the hell this happens.

5. Some sufferers develop an unhealthy interest in a holy book that they've never even attempted to read. They find themselves feeling quite passionate about what these bronze-age books may or may not say about the running of the affairs of the modern world - all the while refusing to read them, any of them. However, it's likely that the sufferers of LB3 Disorder would lack the mental faculties required to understand what these holy books are even trying to say, so this is a moot point.

Others go the other way and staunchly deny that there might, in fact, be some reason for humankind to exist, other than to be shitty on Facebook news articles about refugees. These cases are often terminal, as they often just say, "Fuck it, I hate everything around me," and drive their cars into stuff at high speeds.

There is no known cure for this horrible affliction. Indeed, most sufferers take the illness with them to the grave; they die white-haired and sour-faced, with Fox news blatting away on the television in front of them and dead flies floating in the week-old mug of instant coffee still clutched in their cold, blue hand. We can only hope to combat the spread of LB3 Disorder through education and cold, sarcastic disdain.