The world doesn't want me

So, my life is completely fucked. I don't even really want to kill myself but there's just no way out of my current situation.

I have incredibly heavy-handed parents and my life is basically 24/7 gaslighting. i.e.: they make me dependent on them, then they don't support me, but they tease and criticize me when I try to do things myself, and they call me lazy when I don't. And any time I bring up concerns it's always dismissed as "oh, every teenager says that" and that's all.

Almost all of my family is apparently like this in some way. Every time I pick a family member to consider an emergency contact (like if I suddenly have to leave home they might be sympathetic) they end up doing something that makes it clear they'd be entirely on my parents' side. I'm now down to one uncle who would maybe support me in an emergency after hearing my side of the story.

I have major trust issues, because of my parents and an unrelated weird catfishy online relationship I had last year. I can't handle it when people are just nice to me, I always assume there's an ulterior motive or something.

I don't have friends at all really. I switched to homeschooling in high school and didn't really maintain contact with the people from public school. None of them were very nice anyway so I'm not sure things would have been better if I had stayed in public school. But anyway there's one person now I talk to on a regular basis, an internet friend via text only, and I don't feel comfortable being open with her about much because she's been kind of toxic in the past. So I just sit here in my room all day. I try to go out occasionally on the bus but I live in a very suburban area so there aren't many people to be friends with that I didn't go to school with. And I have no idea how to make friends, I've tried online for years now and only two people have stuck around (aforementioned friend, and a pen pal type friend I talk to like once a month).

My parents are extremely conservative, they judge people all the time and they basically think everyone except the ~2 million people who share their religious beliefs is going to hell. When I was younger they'd use that to try to tell me I was "spoiled", they'd come up with stories about my school friends' parents like "they're probably divorced and fighting constantly!" or "your friend has a playstation because his parents are stupid and went into credit card debt to get it!" and they'd say how lucky I am to have smart parents. And all the time I have to hear them rant about "the gays" and how Obama plans to purge Christians, etc. Meanwhile I've had a growing feeling that I might be trans or genderqueer or whatever the term is these days, but there's no way I'll consider it now because of potential repercussions. So I just feel worse bottling myself up.

Over the past couple years I've kept my sanity by reading but lately I've been too stressed to focus. I have no money, no friends, no future. I don't know when I'll kill myself, everything just feels kind of surreal, maybe when I finish watching my little stockpile of movies or get bored with the few games my shitty laptop can run. I've been actively suicidal my whole life, some of my earliest memories are suicidal thoughts from preschool and elementary school. And it's gotten worse every year with a slight exception in middle school where things were sort of okay.