I know there is a ton of other people with my kind of problem but just hear me out.

I'm 25 and since I'm 16 I've wanted (and tried) to commit suicide because of bullying , though it never succeded and since I had a bit of hope for the future never went for the extreme methods. Now I still want to commit suicide but for another reason.

I'm engaged to the women I love but because of school and work, we almost do not talk anymore, and when we can, she seem to ignore me. When I do see her irl everything is great but if we are online it's shit. I'm scared of losing her and when I do express this feeling to her it only make matter worse. It confuse her and make her want to stop talking to me immediately.

I want to get some help but don't know where to start, my familly have an history of being depressive so it may just be my fault.

I live in Canada and seeing a doctor take hours and when we get an appointement it literally takes years and living this hell for years isn't fun. I also though to see a psychiatrist but since I'm studying full time I am short on cash.

I don't want to die, but I don't want to be anxious or be alone again. I know I wrote a big wall of text but if anyone would know what I could do it would be great. P.S. English isn't my first language, I am doing my best at writing.