DAE: internalize the need to be a Good Girl to the extent that sleeping next to someone gives you nightmares

I understand one of my dogs a lot better now that I've come to the realization that all I ever wanted was to be told that I was a Good Girl. (Sophie is so praise-motivated that I don't need treats to train her; she's a rescue and after being passed around between several different homes just wants to be reassured that her current mommy loves her. Which I do. <3)

My mom's reaction to news about my interests, life, hobbies, decisions, etc. ranged from indifference to disdain to disapproval, and in my efforts to conform to what her social group considered to be a "good girl"... well, asexuality is totally a legit orientation, but I have to wonder if my childhood caused me to just repress the hell out of everything. Issues with touch (because of use of physical affection as currency), problems connecting emotionally (complete with desperate worries about fairness and reciprocation), a lingering sense of shame with respect to any sort of sexuality... despite how my mom ended up trying to claim my sexuality as her own when I got into my mid/late teens.

Not sure what the point of this post was... this thought was bouncing around my head and making it hard to sleep, and I think I just needed to let it out.