I chose to be an orphan

My parents are awful.

I have gone NC, and what I find worse more than anything isn't the endless guilt tripping calls, the wave of texts filled with "I don't know why you're doing this," and " You are an awful person".

It's not the fact that in going NC with them It also meant going NC with my siblings, who are honestly just as bad as them anyways.

it's bad enough having them still rule my life even though they aren't in it physically anymore. It's the thoughts at night, it's the racing of my heart when I noticed they have called.

The worst though? Still caring about them. Still wishing I had "normal" parents. Still wishing I came from one of those television bullshit families that had "normal" problems.

I miss them, and I hate them for it.

They are cut from my life, and I won't undo that. I won't reattach the infected by any means.

But like the dead they haunt me, and it sucks.

I chose to be an orphan, but it doesn't hurt any less.

the "what ifs" the "shoulda, coulda" nonsense is still very much so a part of me.

I just hope that over time it gets better. I really do.