Conflict between who you used to be and who you are now.

I have posted on this sub previously and lurk pretty much every time I log onto reddit, so I made this throwaway account.

But does anyone else have a internal struggle between who they used to be and who they are now?

I am not even 30 years old, but without exaggeration I am literally the (formerly) meanest and scariest person in the room. I keep my former life hidden and very few people know who I used to be, but from time to time I almost want to reactivate the old evil in a sense. What I did time for is a far cry from what I got initially charged with (thanks lawyer).

When I go to work for my 100% legal career (that I actually earn more than many of my non-criminal friends) I sometimes do feel bored considering what I used to do. I do know what I did previously was very wrong and it is nice not having to worry about looking over my shoulder every 5 minutes or ditching a cop every time I go for a drive, but its hardly exciting. I sometimes slap myself on the forehead when I remember that I often spent more on alcohol and cocaine in a single night for me and "friends" than I make from a 2 week paycheck at $28 a hour. It sometimes hurts the ego when I used to spend a bit more than $350 a day on cocaine and now I have to budget for things like cell phone bills, utilities, diesel and groceries.

I could make a phone call and be back into the game at the drop of the hat, but I don't want that. EVER. However I feel like I am lacking something. I do miss the aura of "Don't fuck with that guy" that I used to have compared to "He works his ass off at work so we can slack off all day and gossip like old women".

I know that crime is wrong etc etc and will NEVER go back to it, but when I watch big crime movies and can be like "I did that", it kind of triggers a nostalgia (then I just remember how much prison sucked).

I have been out of the system for almost 3 years and out of crime for almost 5 years.

tl;dr does anyone else have mixed feelings about their past?