I never got to say how I felt, and now he's gone.

A friend that was close to me, and whom I had a crush on for an excruciatingly long time had killed himself a few days ago. I never got to tell him how much he meant to me. He applied to his "dream" job in the big city. Everyone was so proud of him but he confided in me that he didn't really want to go. He got the job and left anyway.

I let him leave anyway.

He became swamped with work and we slowly grew apart. That, and I was just so nervous about calling him or texting him because of my own stupid feelings and my infatuation that I held back. Why did I do that? Even if I didn't ever tell him how I felt, I should have at least been supportive.

All I have now are little trinkets, blurry pictures, the notes that he'd write in my sketchbook, and some 5 year old four-leaf clovers we found on one of our first walks together. I hate myself so much right now for not being there when I should have been, and I don't really know how to cope. I don't have anyone to talk to about it, either.