It is a chronic nightmare.

My parents were upper-middle class. I had a younger brother and an older sister. I had been to Disneyland and Disneyworld before I was even 14. I was a musician. I played everything. Life was a dream. Got married right out of high school, didn't question it in the least. Got a job at a bank. At 25 wife dies when a drunk driver hits her. He doesn't even get locked up for a year. Just a few months. I have learned an irreversible lesson about reality. I have always been unsatisfied with money but I at least had her to spend it on to make me feel like it was worthwhile. Now she is gone and all of this. I know how the world works and it was right there uncensored for me. I am unfulfilled. I am looking for answers. Turn to Buddhism. Take it very very seriously. So seriously I sell my house, all my things, walk away from my job and go overseas to live in temple as a monk. All of this without telling anyone. It's hard to explain but losing my wife and the way it was affecting me people were already distancing myself. I was done. Wanted a brand new life. So off I go.

Temple wants more money. More money I have. I am so drunk on the doctrine I keep giving. They slowly get me to give bigger and bigger amounts. Eventually I am out of money. There is something we used to inhale that increased meditation. I didn't think twice about it back then but it was probably some kind of drug. It definitely did not leave me in a sober state. Not long after running out of money there is pressure for me to go collect. Eventually I realize that the collection service is panhandling. If I do not collect enough they do not let me inhale. When I do not inhale I go into fits. Now I realize what they did to me. I get violent. They go okay we will give you what you need. I inhale. I wake up in an alley. I try to go back to temple but they are pretending they don't know who I am and threaten to call the police. I push because I realize they drugged and left me for homeless. Police show up. I spend a week getting messed with by police and am eventually released without any jail time.

I can't even say how long I was homeless for. I don't know when exactly I left the temple. Most of it is a blur. Homeless for two or three years. All the efforts I had put in to my health when I was living better. Brushing my teeth. Gym three or four times a week. Rarely eating out. No drugs and very little alcohol. Non-smoker. Always very healthy. I was so healthy. Homelessness undid all that. Nerve damage. Chronic pain. Stomach issues. Bad teeth. I am so anxious and paranoid of all people. Social connections will never be the same. It mad it all go to shit. My life became utter waste.

I attempted suicide during then but not enough privacy as homeless. Got caught trying to hang myself. Was the fastest I could think of that was not jumping, too afraid of heights.

End up doing some things I would rather not talk about. Had to get food somehow. Did not want to do drugs but with that crowd inevitably began to happen. Was everywhere and hellish life with no hope of escape you will dip. So become a heroin addict on top of everything.

I am the most educated. There is resentment. But no one does anything. Too afraid of losing position as crappy as it is. Chained to that life. Eventually start helping with computer problems. Basic things I used to do for myself. Amazed I still remembered any of it. Felt like another life.

Don't know if I'll ever escape because I am afraid of trying to return. I don't think I can ever return. I don't know what life is anymore. But I have a position now. It still is not great. But I have some status. At least over people who I used to be. I try not to be an evil person but sometimes you have to be. Rent is always due. Sometimes I remember things. Parts of songs and faces and my brother. But for the most part youth is so far behind me I find it hard to believe I didn't just imagine it. I will never know which way is up ever again.