That song that speaks to you

I deal often with a great deal of shame. I was supposed to be someone. I was supposed to be strong. But I'm not who I was supposed to be. I know this and I spend so much of my time dwelling on it. Some might say to look to put the past behind me and look to the future. But I can't. Every second of my future lives in the shadow of my inability to live up to who I should have been.

I heard a song recently. Brand New "Millstone". This song has hit me in such a profound way. I used to be... I used to be... I used to be confident and had the hopes of becoming attractive. I used to be in a prestigious program at my university. I used to be clean from self harm. I used to only have the diagnosis of adhd. I used to believe in God. I used to find comfort in him. I used to believe that good would come to me from suffering so much. I used to believe that I was good enough to love. I used to value myself. I used to take care of myself. I used to want to live.

I'm sure you can get a feel for who I am now just by knowing who I used to be.

Goodnight everyone.