I quit weed because of social anxiety but I miss it so much. How do I make it fun again?

Bear with me for the length of this, I truly feel all of this information is relevant.

TL;DR: Smoked religiously for five years, then cut down and eventually quit because it oftentimes was giving me crazy social and general anxiety. I want to start smoking again but I don't know how to change things to make it enjoyable. I'm desperate and would really appreciate any possible suggestions.

I started smoking when I was 14, and regularly (daily, most of the time several times a day) starting at 15 until I was 20. I've been dealing with severe depression and anxiety (including suicide attempts and self harm) since I was 12 (now I'm 21) and for the first three years weed made my life so much better. I was still depressed overall but being high was such an uplifting experience; it made me so carefree and appreciative of the little things in life and was just a way for me to kick back with my friends, have a lot of laughs and good times, and was a bonding experience much of the time.

Towards the end of being seventeen a lot of really bad shit went down in my life at once and being young and depressed it felt like my world was falling apart. I was so depressed and distanced myself from my friends and stopped smoking for a few months. I kind of gave up on life after that and was just going through the motions, but I was getting by.

After the new year I started reconnecting with my friends and because my sports season was over I started smoking again. Only this time it started giving me social anxiety. Looking back, after all the bad shit that had gone down (a big part of it involved getting betrayed by one of my best friends and having the other best friend move) and being alone for several months, I was socially anxious even when sober. This was totally new to me because I had been a person who didn't give a fuck about anyone's opinion of me up until this point. I started smoking daily again and the social anxiety kind of went away but being high wasn't the same at all. It wasn't a fun, laughing and carefree experience... I don't know how to explain it really but it turned into just getting high to get high and wasn't really helping with my depression anymore. I didn't really talk much when I was high and this was probably because of the social anxiety.

This is getting way too long so I'll just say that basically my social anxiety and frequency of smoking fluctuated, and smoking never went back to what it used to be. I got raped when I was 19 and that made everything a billion times worse, alternated between isolating myself completely and really cutting down on smoking, and using hard drugs and partying nonstop.

I stopped smoking a few months ago because I was quitting hard drugs and it was easier to stop everything at once. Once I was sober I realized that smoking really wasn't very fun for me anymore and that I was anxious and uncomfortable 3 out of 4 times I would smoke and it just wasn't worth it anymore.

But the thing is that I really miss weed. I miss the times when it was carefree and fun, I miss not being socially anxious, and I'm so jealous of my friends who smoke all the time and love it. I don't know why weed turned on me and I don't know how to make it fun again.

Do you guys have advice? Is it possible for me to enjoy weed again or is it ruined for me forever? Is it hopeless? :(

Thank you so much if you made it this far and for any advice you can offer.