Should I push thru to the end?

I have been doing kundalini yoga for 20 years and have not reached anything close to what most ppl describe as the end state. I assume this is due to my abusive childhood. No one I know has done it for as long as me without reaching something close to the end. It has helped me a along the way but I don't seem to get to the finish line.

Anyway if I stay away from kundalini too long I go through some embarrassing episode where I do stupid things when I become manic. I don't hurt anyone but ppl in my life already think I'm weird I don't need to make that worse. So I have some built in minimum amount of time I need to spend on this to avoid episodes.

Part of me wonders if I should just devote all my free time until I get through this but I've tried that and even doing nothing else for weeks doesn't seem to work.

I'm not really sure what the balance is between caring about my life and caring about kundalini. If I thought I could somehow reach the end I would certainly drop everything else to pursue that. But 20 years and I'm spinning my wheels. But I can't quit altogether because after 2-4 weeks without it I flip out and do crazy thing I later regret.