My best friend left me and I am suffering

Hi, I'm in such a shitty situation and I just need people to talk to. I am living in a different country away from my family, I'm not a social person at all and thus don't know many people even after eight years. I went here with my family but they returned to our home country and I stayed because of education etc. In high school 6 years ago, I became friends with a girl who has become one of the most important people in my life, we've been close friends for all this time and always supported each other. She was the reason I managed to deal without having any family here. But this year we have been getting into arguments a lot some small, some big. I don't want to go into details on that front but I feel like it was mainly because of miss matched expectations and miscommunication between us.

I went to see my family for a month this April and we had like a huge fight before that where she ignored me for two weeks but we managed to get it together a week before my flight. She struggled with the thought of seeing me the day I would leave because she was still mad. But she came around and when it was time to say goodbye we both got really emotional and I apologized crying while she was holding me. I've also been telling her that I considered staying with my family but she kept saying she'd miss me and quote on quote said "A fight is a fight, but if you stay I'll drag you back." To me that was enough to reconsider as overall the friendship had become more important to me. I was a month in my home country and we chatted a lot and we got along great, even after I got back we didn't really fight at all, but during the end of June into July it started again. And at one point she was some other issues going on in her life stressing her out, bu so did I. Something happened that I felt was really rude of her and I blew up on her, and I guess she was not having it anymore and said it was too much and what I said really hurt. She basically ended the friendship, blocking me and ending any other form of communication.

The thing is, I know everyone wants to tell me to move on and let it go and "It's not meant to be" etc. But honestly right now, this is not an option, it's too hard for me to let a good 6 year friendship go. She was a supporting pillar in my life and now that she is gone, I am nothing but depressed and lonely, I don't enjoy living my life anymore and constantly find myself crying. I tried to meet people, but I just don't click with anyone like that. I had girlfriends break up with me and such but I've never experienced such pain before, it's ripping me apart and even after three months it's not getting better, it just feels like it's getting worse. I've started to have suicidal thoughts during some really really low moments. Although I have enough reason to know how wrong it is. I wouldn't wanna have her live with that guilt or hurt anyone who cares about me like that, and I somehow still cling enough to my life that I don't think I could go through with it anyways. It's more like a thought "If I was dead I wouldn't have to feel this anymore."

The point is, it's getting bad and I used alternate methods to message her but nothing gets through to her and I am aware that I am just further pushing her away by doing that. I know it's a bad thing to do, but I get into moments where I loose that sort of reasoning because I get so worked up I just wanna take action because I wanna do anything to make this situation go away. She's an incredibly spiteful and grudge holding person when it comes to fights. But I just can't fathom how she can be this cold, she had been in a similar situation where she was away from her family so she should know how I feel. Knowing that I stayed here because of her and now she just leaved just hurts so much. As a note, due to other circumstances it currently is not possible to go back to my home country.