Its one of those times, I just need someone, anyone to know how I feel. 28/f completely alone with the potential to change the world and no ambition because whats the point...?

It should have been a good day. Its my day off, so I woke up naturally. Or rather, I finally decided to wake up at 12:30 p.m. I woke up several times this morning, as I have the past few days... first at 7am and then at 8am and then at 9am. I fell back asleep each time, each day...

I got up and hit play on Netflix. I put on my gym clothes and went into the kitchen and ... my roommate was in there. She looks like me, young, pretty, perfect hair. And she kept talking to me about bikes or something, it was so annoying, I dont care how many bikes you've had in your life, shut up. And I walked back to my room to put gym clothes on and something in that moment, something about how I woke up alone, in this shitty apartment, and had to listen to her rant at me about bikes or something, and... I just realized I was sad.

but I pushed the thought aside and went on with my day. I took my bike in for a tune up. I went to the gym. I thought about the man I'm presently infatuated with and how he's the present man on a long line of men I've been infatuated with all the way back until I was 3 years old. Just a long line of guys who I chased after who were so utterly blase about me that I wish I knew how to quit caring about men.

I was with Trevor for 4 years and he never really cared. Maybe he cared to keep me around because the sex was so good but that last year... fuck that was awful.

So ive been single now for one year. And now im seeing Don. That's not his real name, obviously. Don is 13 years older than me. i think im attracted to him because i want to just find some man who actually wants to settle down and marry me and have a family. but Don seems to only want to fuck me. we havent gone out together in two months. its always hotel rooms (nice ones, room service, classy) or my place. The sex is good but I wanted a boyfriend. And we talk and drink but... he never wants to go out. Also, while he never says no when I ask if he wants to get together, he RARELY asks to see me. We see each other once or twice a week but I would at least want to talk more. The biggest problem here is that Don is my boss. He's everyone's boss at my work. The next person above him is the corporate yahoo who comes in occassionaally. I'm sales. Top sales. I don't know why I started liking him... I think its his efficiency, as nazi as that sounds. Plus he's smart and just... really good at what he does and he has goals. Men never realize how goddamned attractive it is when a man has goals. And he's got gray hair, I've always loved that, and glasses. Just so cute.

And now all he wants to do is fuck me once a week. We get very drunk because we're both extremely depressed and we both talk about how people are awful and how our hearts have been broken too many times and how badly we want to achieve our goals and then we fuck and then he passes out and I go wash my face, still drunk, and watch tv for a few hours since I don't sleep. I'll pick at the room service and take instagram shots of the room service cart as if my illicit affair was worth social media. Plus I need to talk about it. Its stupid and I'm stupid and no one is supposed to know but this thing is driving me nuts and I cant handle it and after I had such a horrible breakup in 2014 and now Im seeing someone again and I cant tell anyone and he only wants to have sex and hes weird about me... He likes me and he lusts after me but he's so depressed... I dont get it. What am I supposed to do to find love? I just want to find someone to love who loves me why is that so hard...

Our first date, four hours in he started crying because he never thought he'd be so lucky to be on a date again (which is strange to me because he's good looking and rich so... why would he think that?) and he's called me a couple times, drunk, and forlorn and said he just needed to hear me. I dont get it. WHAT ARE WE? I mean I obviously cant ask him to be serious... it's been like 3 months of this and we work like 60, sometimes 75, hours a week, in the same fucking office, and I dont want people to find out. I don't know what my coworkers would do but they would no doubt, treat me very badly while he, Don, would get backslaps. I want to end it for these reasons but I cant because I'm lonely and because I like him and because I could easily fall in love and because I would totally marry this guy if only he would show some interest in seeing me for more than a few hours a week.

I know, I know. Its probably just sex now. Or I need to wait until I quit to actually date this guy. I wanted to quit by the end of the year (its part of my five year plan) but now I'm getting too used to the money.

Anyway... after the gym, I bought some weed and then forced myself to go shopping. I forced myself. I have all this money now because my paychecks have fucking doubled (holding back tears, this really isn't what I want) since I started dating my boss. Or fucking my boss. Or letting my boss fuck me. Whatever it is... I used to make 2k a month, now I make 7k. I don't want this... did I plan this? did I do this consciously? or am I just wired to make things like this happen? thinking about it, I feel so... trapped. I feel like I did this on purpose but I didn't I actually like him... right?

All these thoughts about how I dont know how I feel about this guy and how fucked up this tryst is and how I just got out of a long term thing and... ugh ugh ugh I just want to pull my hair and not fucking care about this shit. I want to care about my career and my real plans not this stupid non-relationship with a non-boyfriend... a psuedomanfriend... an invalid relationship.

I'm really fucking depressed. But rich. And getting laid... I know I really like him. I know I do.