Trying to quit advice

I have a problem and it's getting worse. I can't get into details not because I'm shy or embarrassed (i am, a little) but I don't ever measure or journal my doses. It's extracts, UEI and other stuff, multiple times a day, withdrawal in the morning the whole nine yards. It's been a habit for more years than I care to admit, with the more powerful extracts coming along in the last couple years.

I honestly don't believe I have the will-power to quit or maybe even the desire. I don't know. It's really the only thing I look forward to doing (when i get up and when i get home from work). A large part of me realizes that is bad, but I know even going in (which is a horrible mindset) that I don't have the grit to make it through the multiple month slog that people on here describe. It sounds BRUTAL and these are people taking plain leaf, small amounts. I'm too miserable as it is.

I have long-term depression and anxiety issues which led to self medicating, first with DXM and then with kratom. I would try an SSRI if given one for free, but it's hard for me to schedule an appt and go see one and talk about it. Paxil helped me briefly 7-8 years ago, but I didn't really enjoy the manic-ness it sometimes gave me. In alot of ways, I feel more comfortable lethargic and depressed and not really wanting or desiring for anything at all rather than wanting things (social interaction, opposite sex action, food, etc) and then having to figure out how to do it.

I also think maybe I should try and clean up, at least a little, before starting on a medicine. If I take something and it DOES work, I know I will just keep using. Why feel like a B+ when you can feel like an A, you know? But then I wonder if being on an anti-depressant is my only real chance of kicking kratom.

I don't know. I'm sort of rambling and I appreciate anyone who read it even now as i think of hitting the backspace button to erase and and make it simpler.

My question(s) I guess are:

1. Honestly my realistic goal right now is to cut down and maybe get off the UEI or cut it back to only a small amount. I'm just trying to be realistic, because I'm scared enough as it is. I've thought about trying to Cold Turkey for as long as I can... be it 15 hours, 3 days, who knows. Just plow through it, see how bad it gets. Then dose, but in much smaller amounts. I've also considered abstaining during the day, then dosing at night (smaller than my usual) so I can hopefully avoid the RLS and get some sleep. Does anyone have any experience with these methods and/or tell me it's a waste of time?

2. My bigger question is how in hell do you motivate yourself when you feel so shitty? Hundreds of times I have said in my head, while high of course, "tomorrow I'll cut back", "skip the next dose", etc. Then when the high wares off and even the mild beginnings of WD kick in and up and fumbling for the powder. Ugh. I just don't know what I could possibly do to convince myself to stay away. I really think I could make it through a few days of hell if it was fine after that but these posts from people 20, 30, 40 days out still going through shit really, really, really discourage me.

This is a great sub that I've read for several months and while it has scared me, it has also helped me in a lot of ways. I'm not yet sure I'm ready to take the leap. I may be one of those of people who needs something to "happen". I feel awkward and weird sometimes responding to people, esp about my own stuff, but please know I will read every response and appreciate any time and care. thanks.